Months flew by with me realizing that I haven’t blogged since January. If it hadn’t been for the yearly notification of my domain expiration this month, I wouldn’t even know it’s been that long.
Honestly, I don’t miss it. I’m too stressed and anxiety-ridden these
days to even find the time in my often-mundane day to blog. I am also quite emotional
most of the time, as people who follow me on Twitter can notice. I don’t want
to post something here on my blog that was solely fueled by strong emotions
only to regret it afterwards.
Then again, I also can’t find it my blogger heart to stop for good and let my domain
expire so I did pay $17 for the renewal fee.
To those who care enough to ask, I’m good. A nervous nellie most of the
time but clinging to sanity. I don’t know if it was because I’m pushing fifty in a few
more years, and there’s that feeling of dread—but I worry about a lot of things to the point of overthinking. I know stressing over things can
Mommy is still having health issues every so often. One day she’s okay, the next she isn’t feeling well. Quite frankly, most of her bodily discomfort were a direct result of her stubbornness. Like how, a few days ago, I saw her cleaning the inside of the fridge using bleach (don’t even ask me why). Of course, I called her out and said that inhaling bleach is (historically) bad for her.
She scowled, “Wag mo ‘nga akong pakelaman ha!” (Stop meddling and let me be!)
A few days later she got a very bad cough that the doctor had to give
her a regimen for pneumonia—mostly strong antibiotics. She felt better in less than a week, thank
God, but then we caught her again spraying insecticide inside the house. When my kuya *gently* reminded her that she just went through rounds of antibiotics and that she has just recovered, they got into an argument with her ultimately saying: “Mamatay
na kung mamatay.” (If I die, I die.)
Toxic, emotional retorts and sudden outbursts such as that can throw me and my brothers off. I mean, how do you respond to that?
So even if our chest feels like exploding, we try to manage by avoidance because obviously she resents being told what to do even if it’s being done for her own good. When that happens, we go upstairs and simmer down. Arguing with her is useless and frustrating.
When I’m losing patience, I pray.
When I’m getting frustrated, I pray.
When I get scared, I pray.
When things are getting a bit harder to carry, I pray.
In short, praying keeps me going these days.
Meanwhile, work is something that I’ll always be thankful for. It isn’t giving me the same amount of tension compared to what’s happening in the household. Thanks to the autonomy/healthy company culture and the freedom that is being given to us we don’t feel pressured. I report for work at 7 AM, clock out at 4 PM. Weekends are golden.
My work also pays me enough for my bills and provided me the joy of being able to afford the little things for me and my family.
Our company has already given up some of our office floors at the RCBC Plaza, which only means that working from home will be for good. The very few remaining employees who chose to work onsite and was given consideration for the past several months are now being asked to do what’s necessary to start working remotely.
My brother and I have already surrendered to the reality that we will never be office people again, so we are currently taking baby steps to make working from home as comfortable and as stress-free for us as possible.
At the moment my workstation is situated in
a common area at home just right beside our dining area. I can’t tell you how
working in a common area of the house can be particularly distressing. I
asked my kuya if we could do something in our shared room upstairs so I could
instead set my workstation there (which was actually where I was when I was
still using my own laptop and not the company-issued desktop). He agreed to give up
some of our old cabinets so my table could fit right in.
The only thing that is stopping us from moving there is the unforgiving
weather. We have an old non-inverter window-type AC upstairs, and we don’t
usually use it because we feel it consumes so much electricity. Our room
upstairs turns to a giant microwave in the afternoon, that it’s almost impossible
to stay there with only electric fans running. We are waiting for the rainy
season to finally come in before I move there, and I think being away from
everyone while working can make my every day less nerve-wracking.
Kuya plans to make our shared room like some fortress of solitude, for if there’s anyone who understands the mental strain I’m going through, it’s him. We have given ourselves a timetable: before next summer, a new inverter aircon and accordion door by the stairs should already be installed, sliding ones to replace the jalousie window to let natural light come in, walls painted, etc. It’s kind of our pet project. Maybe working at my favorite spot in our very small house can do wonders for my overall wellbeing.
