Enough already, please.

My uncle, who I mentioned in my last post, died last Sunday due to complications from his stroke. It was another blow to the family as we are still recovering from the sudden passing of my cousin last March. That’s two deaths in the same house—our house—in just a matter of four months.

With the current situation, so much has changed with how we are dealing with this loss. The family decided to have a wake, even when most of us couldn’t be there physically to pay our last respects for obvious reasons. I only went to see him last Monday, prayed in front of his coffin, and left. I can’t even sit for a while to comfort my aunt and my cousin because I’m trying so much to limit my interaction with people. 

A mass was offered to him last night, and many of us just watched it on FB Live. I wanted so much to go there but realized that if I’ll only be there for 15 minutes at most, I thought it would be better I just stay home.

More "Me" Time

Starting next week, our work hours will be trimmed to just 50% and I will only work twice a week which is every Monday and Thursday. Yes, this would mean a significant pay cut but I still consider this a blessing because at least I am NOT one of the 10% that had to be let go.

I understand that the company had to do this as our industry was badly hit by the pandemic. The hotel occupancy level in all regions is on its all-time low and travels and meetings are going much weaker. For these and for many other reasons, the management decided to reduce further costs by lessening corporate travels, reevaluating planned investments, and reducing corporate roles. The latter—by far the hardest decision they took—was announced in the middle of the month.

Shortly following the announcement, many of us experienced a great deal of anxiety. When we were finally on the clear, I’m just glad that my brother and I kept our jobs albeit the temporary pay cut. I had to say, our company has dealt with this crisis far better than our competitors. The steps weren’t as severe as what I’ve been hearing from similar industries like airlines, resorts and casinos where they had to let go of more than half of their workforce. To think, we even have the Colleague Emergency Support Fund available to provide some immediate help to colleagues who may be facing pressing financial hardship due to a reduction in their income. 

Hello, anxiety.

I’ve been trying not to write about stuff I’m going through because I don’t want to be a downer and no one wants to read about someone’s bout with anxiety. But things have been so fracked up with this pandemic you can read about something unsettling somewhere else every day anyway. (Don’t believe me? Read the local news and the absurdity of the people working for the government and you’ll get what I mean.)

Besides, I thought, if I am fortunate enough to survive this, I might as well document both the good and bad.

The past few days were tough for me. I have not been sleeping at night (sometimes I don’t sleep at all) and feel very tired and lethargic by the day. I have sudden, unexplained chest pains, stomachache, and headache. I don’t feel like doing anything; I didn’t have the desire to eat or write—two of my favorite things to do. I’m so stressed that I get irritable and sensitive at the slightest stir. While I haven’t cried myself to sleep or sobbed for no reason, I feel empty and numb. To simply put, there’s that overall feeling of not feeling well. A depressive episode, if you will.

At first, I chalked it up to hormones. But when it didn’t go away for days, I knew I had to stop and acknowledge that anxiety is real.

The Final Nail

Remind me again that it’s never good to have too much hope and faith in some people. Those who are obviously crying for help and is already self-destructing but when you try to pull them up from where they are, they refuse. You can only do so much because you can’t help a person who wouldn’t participate in their own rescue. 

It seems like they’re already addicted to the feeling of being sad that wallowing in self-pity is already home for them. I read somewhere that, “trying to help someone who doesn’t want or isn’t ready to be helped is a noble effort, but ultimately it’s like asking to be punched in the face.” 

Well, I got punched in the face. And that fu**ing sucks. 

Snap out the funk

Just a few mornings ago, I received a message from my cousin from Sweden. She asked if I was okay because she noticed that my blog posts the past few days seem…sad.

The truth is, while I’m not particularly depressed, I also couldn’t say that everything’s okay. After all, it’s hard to be in high spirits with what’s happening right now with the pandemic and all. Now more than ever, I’m beginning to understand how staying indoors can take its toll on anyone’s mental health. I am a creature of habit, and there are things I do that give me fulfillment. Self-isolation had put most of those everyday distractions on hold indefinitely.

The current issues that I read and hear about, plus the clownery that is our government, stress me out every single day. Probably stemming from the same stress and frustration is the general malaise I’ve been having the past few days. It can be anything from stomachache, headache, dizziness, nausea, lower back pain, feeling fat and fugly and…you guessed it right...being sad for no clear reason at all.

My Sad Playlist

My friend Judie mentioned in one of her tweets some years ago how there are songs that would make you feel that your heart's being whipped inside a blender. Surely for me, there are songs that hurt more than others. It might be because the lines speak of a raw, familiar feeling I once had, or probably because the song itself reminds me of someone from my past already gone.

There are songs that could stop me in my tracks when I hear them. It triggers visceral responses like goosebumps, chills, or that static tingling sensation that would start from the back of my neck and could crawl to the top of my head.

There are songs like Both Sides, Now by Joni Mitchell, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton, and Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross that are not necessarily about breakups but are just particularly sad and depressing. But since we are talking of a feeling as if your heart is being chopped and puréed, I would like to focus on the ones that are related to love (more like the lack of it).

Many people will tell you to avoid listening to these songs if you’re going through heartbreak but for me though, acknowledging the feeling is the first step to healing. A good cry can even be quite cathartic.

And since this is my personal list, you may notice that there are hardly any new, much recent songs. I grew up in a generation that enjoyed great, timeless love songs that other people may find sappy or corny. While musical taste is relative, I would like to ask you to indulge me by listening to each of the songs I included here and if you could do so while following its lyrics, then I bet you that some of the emotions expressed are truly sad. (Furthermore, keep coming back to this post as I have plans of adding more.)

I have already made a separate post earlier on one of my saddest love songs of all time by the great Lionel Richie, let me give you more.

Unburden. Unload.

I'm not particularly a vengeful person but there was a time, perhaps in my moment of hopelessness and weakness, that I desired to exact the kind of revenge as that of Edmond Dantès in the Alexandre Dumas’ novel “The Count of Monte Cristo”.

Something as calculated, elaborate, cold and vile.

Half year gone

This drizzly afternoon is the best time to write a blog. I’m in bed; with no plans of going anywhere, snacks within reach. I’m nursing a mild headache and neck pain, nothing that an over-the-counter anti-inflammatory drug can’t cure, I hope.

We’re done with half of the year, the longest six months for me and I’m sure for everyone else as well. Most of it was spent indoors in isolation, with every one of us trying very hard not to get sick or lose our minds in the process. There were times I’d find myself in a brink of depression due to stress and worry, but thank goodness I am able to pull myself up before I sink.

Retrograde

It was the lies that hurt the most.

It was when he'd say something when in fact it wasn't true.
It's him omitting the details, not telling me things, and what was really going on.
Like his failure to tell me that he was still seeing her. Or the others.
When he said they have no contact, that they don’t see each other anymore.
He lies about being over his ex when he's not, then proceeds to ask how my day went.