Day 366

(Originally posted on my FB page)

Walking as far away from you, 2020.

Oh, wow, 2020. Where do I start? 

We began this year full of hope that it will be one of the better years but it turned out to be the year that people will remember in a long time and not for good reasons. I will never forget you, for you have taken people from us, our jobs, our plans, our life’s little joys. But most of all, you have taken our sense of normalcy; you have given us a global pandemic that halted our lives in ways I could never imagine. It’s a year like no other, and I do wish that as we end the year today, so will everything that made this year seem like a bad game of Jumanji. 

A Depressing December

One of my many favorite Christmas songs is Andy Williams’ “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. It just brings out that undeniable holiday cheer that turns even this midlifer into a giddy nine-year-old. It’s been made popular in recent years through the Ellen DeGeneres’ segment “12 Days of Giveaways”. 

The Christmas season in the Philippines, which starts as soon as we hit the -ber months, is something I anticipate the whole year. With the Christmas preps, holiday parties and get-togethers, shopping rush, gift-giving, and lots of food, it really makes it the most wonderful time of the year. 

Until 2020. 

Taking heed

As you may have seen in my previous posts, I have been out and about for many weeks now as it is my way of coping with my anxiety. I feel that being cooped up at home for long periods has generally affected my mental well-being. 

The Banality of Everyday Life by Vilhelm Hammershøi (1864-1916)

However, I might have to lessen it because according to the latest OCTA Research, the coronavirus reproduction rate for Metro Manila recently breached the threshold of 1 and is now at 1.06 (compared to 0.99 on December 1), which means COVID-19 is spreading faster. A doctor has already tweeted that the surge or the new wave has started. 

My birthday weekend

I don’t have anything planned out for the first day of my 44th year last Sunday, considering the many restrictions still in place because of the pandemic. For the past couple of years or so, I’d usually go out with my family, friends or treat my nephews somewhere but obviously, that can’t be the case this year. 

Christmas Gift Exchange - Virtual Edition

Another yearly event had to be tweaked because of the pandemic: My friends and I had our annual Christmas wish list revelation via Zoom yesterday evening. 

It’s been our long-time tradition to meet for our Secret Santa event every year since 2011, but planning around it with all these restrictions due to COVID posed a challenge. It’s clear that we’ll have to do away with the eat-out because of the dine-in limitations in place—which was a bummer—when all four of us look forward to these rare times we get to meet up. There’s also that challenge on how to go about with the actual exchange of gifts. 

Cutting Off

There is this post going around on FB where the user has posted a conversation between her and a relative. The auntie (I supposed—coz she said “ante”) messaged the user to lend her P30,000 so she can have a baptismal/birthday party. The user, who was quite gracious considering the reason for the sudden “catch-up”, said that she didn’t have that much and instead offered P10,000. The auntie replied that 10K is only enough for a lechon, so she went on and haggled for 25K.

The user later said that she can lend 13K at most, and even added that she’d no longer ask to pay it back as it would be her gift to the kid who will be baptized. The user politely explained that she also has her own obligations and can only lend her as much. 

Things went south as the aunt started to accuse the user of being selfish and even wished her bad karma in the end for not lending her the amount she wanted. Seriously, I can’t even begin to describe the audacity because you have to read the entire conversation to see it for yourself. 

The surprising part of it all, based on the updates, is how some of the relatives even sided with the aunt. 

Hey, Miss Busy

I realized I have not updated this blog for well over a month. See, apart from my own projects and everyday tasks at work, I got so busy with training on other projects (so in case there’s an increase in volume, everyone can actually help out). We also have weekly video coaching and meetings and were asked to update our project manuals. 

I guess the “honeymoon period” for WFH employees is over as we’re expected to deliver more already.   

But I won’t talk shop and bore you with these details. What I’m actually getting at is that by the time my shift ends, I don’t want to do anything that requires my laptop anymore. Thus, blogging took a back seat.

The introvert is out and about

I’m sorry if I haven’t been updating my blog as much as I wanted to. I got busy, as I’m back to a five-day workweek since last Monday (Oct. 5). Thankfully, our company managed through despite the challenging industry environment and was able to get everyone back to normal pay, just as promised.  

This is good news as my salary was reduced to half since August and it was quite a struggle because it’s not like I took a break from my bills and obligations. Then again, all’s well now and I’m just grateful.

On one’s uppers

Whoever you are reading this blog, I sincerely pray you’re safe and getting by. We’ve all heard this many, many times in the past six months, that we are in unprecedented times. People are not just anxious about the thought of probably catching Covid, but also of the fact that many of us are on shaky financial grounds.

If you are in my story

Everyone has a story to tell, and I think through this blog I have already shared some of mine. I've always wanted to write a light-hearted novel loosely based on my life but I never had the right “push” and the time for it. I thought that maybe now that I’m not working full-time, I can start.

Maybe.

Slowly, life has to go on

And just like that, we have ushered in the "-ber" months. You can count on us Pinoys to play Christmas songs this early, always hoping that things will get better no matter how dim the situation is. 

With most of the restrictions lifted, life is slowly going back to how it was. Or maybe, many of us are trying to get on with our lives. People had gotten numb; no longer as concerned about the COVID numbers. Personally, I no longer wait for the daily update of the health department, perhaps because I stopped trusting them.

Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

WIBG?

I got it bad

You don't know how bad I got it

You got it easy

You don't know when you've got it good

It's getting harder

Just keeping life and soul together

I'm sick of fighting

Even though I know I should.

Better Times, Good Music and Coincidences

“Together in Electric Dreams” is a song by Phil Oakey, lead vocalist of the British synth-pop band Human League and produced by Giorgio Moroder, an Italian composer very known for his work on electronic music. 

From the original, captivating soundtrack of the warm-hearted, science-fiction romantic movie, Electric Dreams, this song released in 1984 is by far one of my go-to happy songs. It never fails to turn any sad day upside down with its feel-good melody. As soon as I hear the song‘s intro, probably one of the most recognizable for any '80s fan, it would pick me up in an instant. It’s an absolute feel-good!

The film also featured other songs including Love is Love by the Culture Club.      

Surviving Jumanji

I suddenly realized that we’re already halfway through the month. In a few more days we’ll usher into the Christmas season with Jose Mari Chan on cue. If our Covid reports won’t improve though, kiss all your hope of experiencing the festivities and celebrations goodbye. 

A lot of people have been saying that if 2020 is a game, it’s definitely Jumanji. It’s like we’re unleashing all of this with every roll of the dice and we can’t wait for someone to finally get the right number to finish the game so that everything will go away.

Powering Up

I haven’t been feeling well for a couple of days now. I have a nagging headache, itchy throat, and been coughing and sneezing (not flu-like, but more like what one would have during an allergy attack). I think I even have a slight fever the other day which I nursed by sleeping it off. 

Under normal circumstances, these are not something I would call in sick or stay in bed for. Normally, I would ignore it altogether. But we are in a pandemic, and the smallest of symptoms is enough to get us all edgy.

My brother is on his last few days of self-quarantine, and now it would be his wife’s turn to do so after we found out that many of her workmates were also tested positive (a detail she kept from all of us). She may already be asymptomatic with mild or no symptoms, but you all have to agree with me when I say that such recklessness is stupid, to say the least. 

Frankly, I have had enough of worrying and giving myself anxiety attacks over family members’ lack of good judgment and common sense. I have gathered all my self-restraint not to wring necks that I chose to continue following recommendations, taking the necessary precautions, and staying healthy instead. 

Friday Feel Good

Here’s one Flashback Friday that I think would momentarily blast all your pandemic funk away.

This YouTube video was shared by my local celebrity crush, James Deakin (who had been replying to my IG DMs, FB comments and even greeted me on my last birthday), on his Facebook page today. 

Believe me, it did make my endorphins do the jitterbug.

It’s a tribute to '80s entertainment and if you’re a child of the '80s just like me, you’ll recognize most—if not all—the clips featured in this video and might feel old but very pleased at the same time to have been a part of it. Undeniably the golden age for movies, TV shows, and music (never mind the big hair and the big shoulder pads), it’s an awesome era where everything was much simpler and more fun. Watching this brings back happy childhood memories and it’s by far one of the happiest videos I’ve seen. 

So close, so real.

My cousin’s swab test showed that she’s positive for Covid. Her entire household is now on quarantine, including my younger brother who was forced to stay at the vacant house across the street to self-quarantine as he had close contact with her (he initially said he helped in rushing her to the hospital, but took it back when talks about my cousin being a possible Covid case came out). 

My kuya and I were so worried when we found out about it but we thought we can’t really do anything apart from disinfecting the whole house, loading up on our vitamins to strengthen our immune system and observing every family member. As of this writing, we are all fine—including mom and the kids, but this doesn’t mean we’re on the clear because we all know that the virus has an incubation period of 14 days. 

This only heightened the anxiety that I have been fighting for weeks now.

Enough already, please.

My uncle, who I mentioned in my last post, died last Sunday due to complications from his stroke. It was another blow to the family as we are still recovering from the sudden passing of my cousin last March. That’s two deaths in the same house—our house—in just a matter of four months.

With the current situation, so much has changed with how we are dealing with this loss. The family decided to have a wake, even when most of us couldn’t be there physically to pay our last respects for obvious reasons. I only went to see him last Monday, prayed in front of his coffin, and left. I can’t even sit for a while to comfort my aunt and my cousin because I’m trying so much to limit my interaction with people. 

A mass was offered to him last night, and many of us just watched it on FB Live. I wanted so much to go there but realized that if I’ll only be there for 15 minutes at most, I thought it would be better I just stay home.

More "Me" Time

Starting next week, our work hours will be trimmed to just 50% and I will only work twice a week which is every Monday and Thursday. Yes, this would mean a significant pay cut but I still consider this a blessing because at least I am NOT one of the 10% that had to be let go.

I understand that the company had to do this as our industry was badly hit by the pandemic. The hotel occupancy level in all regions is on its all-time low and travels and meetings are going much weaker. For these and for many other reasons, the management decided to reduce further costs by lessening corporate travels, reevaluating planned investments, and reducing corporate roles. The latter—by far the hardest decision they took—was announced in the middle of the month.

Shortly following the announcement, many of us experienced a great deal of anxiety. When we were finally on the clear, I’m just glad that my brother and I kept our jobs albeit the temporary pay cut. I had to say, our company has dealt with this crisis far better than our competitors. The steps weren’t as severe as what I’ve been hearing from similar industries like airlines, resorts and casinos where they had to let go of more than half of their workforce. To think, we even have the Colleague Emergency Support Fund available to provide some immediate help to colleagues who may be facing pressing financial hardship due to a reduction in their income. 

Hello, anxiety.

I’ve been trying not to write about stuff I’m going through because I don’t want to be a downer and no one wants to read about someone’s bout with anxiety. But things have been so fracked up with this pandemic you can read about something unsettling somewhere else every day anyway. (Don’t believe me? Read the local news and the absurdity of the people working for the government and you’ll get what I mean.)

Besides, I thought, if I am fortunate enough to survive this, I might as well document both the good and bad.

The past few days were tough for me. I have not been sleeping at night (sometimes I don’t sleep at all) and feel very tired and lethargic by the day. I have sudden, unexplained chest pains, stomachache, and headache. I don’t feel like doing anything; I didn’t have the desire to eat or write—two of my favorite things to do. I’m so stressed that I get irritable and sensitive at the slightest stir. While I haven’t cried myself to sleep or sobbed for no reason, I feel empty and numb. To simply put, there’s that overall feeling of not feeling well. A depressive episode, if you will.

At first, I chalked it up to hormones. But when it didn’t go away for days, I knew I had to stop and acknowledge that anxiety is real.

The Final Nail

Remind me again that it’s never good to have too much hope and faith in some people. Those who are obviously crying for help and is already self-destructing but when you try to pull them up from where they are, they refuse. You can only do so much because you can’t help a person who wouldn’t participate in their own rescue. 

It seems like they’re already addicted to the feeling of being sad that wallowing in self-pity is already home for them. I read somewhere that, “trying to help someone who doesn’t want or isn’t ready to be helped is a noble effort, but ultimately it’s like asking to be punched in the face.” 

Well, I got punched in the face. And that fu**ing sucks. 

Snap out the funk

Just a few mornings ago, I received a message from my cousin from Sweden. She asked if I was okay because she noticed that my blog posts the past few days seem…sad.

The truth is, while I’m not particularly depressed, I also couldn’t say that everything’s okay. After all, it’s hard to be in high spirits with what’s happening right now with the pandemic and all. Now more than ever, I’m beginning to understand how staying indoors can take its toll on anyone’s mental health. I am a creature of habit, and there are things I do that give me fulfillment. Self-isolation had put most of those everyday distractions on hold indefinitely.

The current issues that I read and hear about, plus the clownery that is our government, stress me out every single day. Probably stemming from the same stress and frustration is the general malaise I’ve been having the past few days. It can be anything from stomachache, headache, dizziness, nausea, lower back pain, feeling fat and fugly and…you guessed it right...being sad for no clear reason at all.

My Sad Playlist

My friend Judie mentioned in one of her tweets some years ago how there are songs that would make you feel that your heart's being whipped inside a blender. Surely for me, there are songs that hurt more than others. It might be because the lines speak of a raw, familiar feeling I once had, or probably because the song itself reminds me of someone from my past already gone.

There are songs that could stop me in my tracks when I hear them. It triggers visceral responses like goosebumps, chills, or that static tingling sensation that would start from the back of my neck and could crawl to the top of my head.

There are songs like Both Sides, Now by Joni Mitchell, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton, and Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross that are not necessarily about breakups but are just particularly sad and depressing. But since we are talking of a feeling as if your heart is being chopped and puréed, I would like to focus on the ones that are related to love (more like the lack of it).

Many people will tell you to avoid listening to these songs if you’re going through heartbreak but for me though, acknowledging the feeling is the first step to healing. A good cry can even be quite cathartic.

And since this is my personal list, you may notice that there are hardly any new, much recent songs. I grew up in a generation that enjoyed great, timeless love songs that other people may find sappy or corny. While musical taste is relative, I would like to ask you to indulge me by listening to each of the songs I included here and if you could do so while following its lyrics, then I bet you that some of the emotions expressed are truly sad. (Furthermore, keep coming back to this post as I have plans of adding more.)

I have already made a separate post earlier on one of my saddest love songs of all time by the great Lionel Richie, let me give you more.

Unburden. Unload.

I'm not particularly a vengeful person but there was a time, perhaps in my moment of hopelessness and weakness, that I desired to exact the kind of revenge as that of Edmond Dantès in the Alexandre Dumas’ novel “The Count of Monte Cristo”.

Something as calculated, elaborate, cold and vile.

Half year gone

This drizzly afternoon is the best time to write a blog. I’m in bed; with no plans of going anywhere, snacks within reach. I’m nursing a mild headache and neck pain, nothing that an over-the-counter anti-inflammatory drug can’t cure, I hope.

We’re done with half of the year, the longest six months for me and I’m sure for everyone else as well. Most of it was spent indoors in isolation, with every one of us trying very hard not to get sick or lose our minds in the process. There were times I’d find myself in a brink of depression due to stress and worry, but thank goodness I am able to pull myself up before I sink.

Retrograde

It was the lies that hurt the most.

It was when he'd say something when in fact it wasn't true.
It's him omitting the details, not telling me things, and what was really going on.
Like his failure to tell me that he was still seeing her. Or the others.
When he said they have no contact, that they don’t see each other anymore.
He lies about being over his ex when he's not, then proceeds to ask how my day went.

I Will Carry On

I’ve been blogging since the early noughties. Those years were the heydays; there was more freedom then. I can talk about anything without much concern about correctness whether it’s political, grammatical, or contextual. There’s not much to filter—I say what I want to say how I would say it. Nothing was ever vapid, mediocre and frivolous. I can talk about anything from an elevator incident, my list of sexiest men, a hilarious interaction, my frustrations over a colleague at work, my day-to-day activities—down to every embarrassing incident, heartbreak and unrequited love. It was pure, fun and almost cathartic.

When I first got into this, it was never my intention to have a readership. Looking back, it was never my goal. Before the internet age, I’ve always been into writing stuff on my notebooks (stories, anecdotes, one-liners, quotes) and I don’t think I ever intend for someone to read it. It’s more about me encapsulating feelings and memories. Even now that I’m accessible, sometimes I still get conscious knowing that this blog and its content is open to scrutiny.

Someone Might Be Watching

There’s this Pinoy joke that if the guy who’s giving you obsessive attention is good-looking, then you can call him a “secret admirer”. Otherwise, he’s a “stalker”.

Box-office movie Kita Kita (2017), some people think this movie romanticizes stalking.

The first time the term “stalker” was actually used to me was when I was in my early 20s. Every day when I come home from my former office, I would see this guy who looked slightly older than me, dressed in work clothes, waiting by the central terminal. After some time I noticed him following me, with his expressionless face, from work till I get home. I never thought much of it at first other than it was a coincidence until I decided to do some “experiment”. I changed my route by getting off the jeepney where we were and then getting on another ⁠⁠— and he did the same! In a panic, I hurriedly went to my older brother’s office. There, after telling him what happened, his female officemate said to me, “Huyyy, may stalker ka.”

Stalker? Why would someone even stalk me? Aren’t stalkers only for celebrities and high-profile people? (I’ve seen the movie The Fan, where my obscure childhood crush Michael Biehn played a deranged fan who stalked a stage actress played by Lauren Bacall, and that’s how I came to know what a stalker is.)

Be that as it may

I just want peace

I wanted to write this without talking about a specific person, without giving away any hint for the very few who knew me well enough to have an idea who it was being referred to. Not when I have succeeded in not talking about the hurt and the pain that was, even to the ones closest to me. The reason why I think this was the first time I  ever wrote about it because it’s hard to speak of it when I can’t even name the person behind my narrative. 

I may have a temper, but it would really take so much for me to get so mad as hell at someone enough to really pretend they never existed. In very rare times this happens, it could be that the person used up all the chances I gave, exploited my kindness, and abused my forgiveness. It’s never cool to be taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, or just being treated unfairly. Especially when, with God as my witness, I did not deserve such. 

Let's chill

The local weather bureau announced a few days ago that we are already in the rainy season. That’s some good news to me who always disliked the summer heat, especially now when I can’t go anywhere to escape it. Before the pandemic, I can simply leave the house and go to the mall where I can cool off. Obviously, I can’t do that.

But hey, if you haven’t noticed, the Covid era has given us “new normal” on many things.

Anyway, what better way to spend the upcoming rainy monsoon season in self-isolation than watching movies from your living room couch or comfy bed? (BTW, I still don’t have a Netflix subscription or into Korean drama, so I’m referring to the old school, DVD binge-watching).

Here are some of my movie suggestions that you can watch when the weather gets all gloomy outside. And while movie marathon applies best to film franchises, I’m not adding any famous franchises (MCU, Star Wars, X-Men, Superman, Rocky, Back to the Future, etc.) to this list. Also, the movies I mention here do not necessarily mean blockbusters or critically-acclaimed so don’t sneer at me for not adding “Citizen Kane” or “The Shawshank Redemption”. I’m not attempting to grow a high brow here, it’s all about escapism.

Little Big Fan

I love both my nephews in equal measure. As an aunt, while I’m allowed to pick a favorite, I think it’ll be best to say that I’m guilty of loving the other more during a specific stage in their life.

Right now, this little one takes the cake.

New Lappy

After more than a year of contemplating, I finally decided to get myself a new laptop today albeit for a different reason. Last year, I only intend to buy a low-cost one to use for blogging but now it's more because I'll be needing it for work. I don't know how long I'll be working from home due to this pandemic and my company hinted that WFH will be a permanent fixture for employees. This means that my current laptop, a hand-me-down from my brother, might not cut it in the long run as the remote systems I'm using kept updating to a newer version.

Accompanied by my brother and cousin, I went to the mall this afternoon with the intent to canvass for one. When we got there, we were surprised to see long lines at computer stores. The demand is perhaps because many are on telecommuting now, including students who will enroll this coming school year.  Stores only allow 3-5 people inside, as part of the social distancing measures by the mall. Canvassing became out of the question as we cannot wait in line for hours just to check laptop brands on each store.

My cousin said I shouldn't put the buying off for another time when we noticed that everyone is actually there to get one, and the stocks are running out fast.

Dummies

Yesterday, my newsfeed had gone bonkers with friends reporting of having dummy account(s) on Facebook. Unless you are aware of your multiple accounts because you use it to stalk your exes, this is a cause for concern as it only worsens the fear of identity theft or targeted attacks. Most impostor accounts are of UP students and others who had been, in one way or another, critical of the government.

This came the same time as the swift passing of the Anti-Terrorism Act of 2020 by the House and the Senate (President Duterte is expected to sign it just as quickly), which is viewed by most people as a violation of liberty rights. If passed into law, an individual can be apprehended without a warrant and be detained for weeks prior to an appearance before a judge. This poses a threat because even a simple public post of aversion against the government may be viewed as inciting others.

It’s good that I didn’t have any impostor accounts out there, at least one that shows the same name I use on my Facebook account. See, I use my nickname instead of my real name.

I did check under my given name and found a couple of accounts, but I cannot tell for sure if these accounts were impersonating me because I have a lot of namesakes. If I see an account name exactly how it appears on my Facebook account, then that’s a different story `coz that could only be me.

And because I didn’t have any, I joked that maybe I wasn’t that relevant.

Because I'm super duper fun

I have been on WFH for almost ten weeks now and sometimes I’m still stumped as to why I am way more whacked now by the end of the day compared to when I was going to work on a daily basis pre-quarantine.

Then I had an epiphany: TWO SUGAR-FUELED BOYS vs. FORTYSOMETHING TITA.

See, being around two hyperactive boys (and sometimes having to babysit) is just one of the many challenges of telecommuting. My makeshift workstation at home is in a common area and it can get so noisy that it’s hard to hear over all the hooting and hollering. In the middle of me doing my tasks, the little one would poke me to show me the games on his cellphone and he can be pretty demanding for my attention. The older one, on the other hand, is almost always the mastermind of the ruckus, teaching his younger brother all the little mischiefs. In between, expect a lot of crying, fighting, running, thumping, and breaking.

Even if there are times I’d lose my cool at them when they become too much to handle, I’m sure about one thing: My two nephews are happy that I am home and they’ll miss me so much when I go back to the office.

That is because I let them be kids.

75th Day

Today is our last day of modified enhanced community quarantine (MECQ). Starting tomorrow, Metro Manila will transition to general community quarantine (GCQ), which has more relaxed protocols.

No, we have not flattened the curve, as this was decided by the government the same day we logged 539 new Covid cases three days ago. But I guess it had to be done because a longer lockdown will surely cripple the economy — if that hasn’t even happened yet.

Even if I go out of the house during the lockdown for quick errands and obtaining essential and even non-essential goods, it will be a different story once most restrictions are lifted. I would much rather go out now that it’s still on ECQ than in GCQ where I’m pretty sure areas frequented by people will be a petri dish of the virus.

I'm holding up — I think.

As much as I want to update this blog often enough, I was hoping I could talk about something other than the quarantine and the pandemic. It’s been 70 days since the initial lockdown and every day when I go online to read or watch the news, all I see is the growing frustration and helplessness. Then again what is there to write about other than how I go about my quarantine days, right? Besides, if I get out of this pandemic alive, I would regret it so if I didn’t document it.

The ECQ extension is until the end of this month, making it the world’s longest Covid-19 lockdown. We have not succeeded in flattening the curve though, which made many questioned if putting our lives on hold for more than two months was even worth it.

If you'll extend it, make it worthwhile this time

Spanish Flu 1918

Unlike the previous quarantine deadlines when we all kinda saw the extensions coming, this one set until the 15th of this month feels like the government will start to gradually ease some of the restrictions placed. Like how they are now preparing the MRT and LRT for social distancing measures by implementing new passenger protocols. They are also looking into normalizing government operations and allowing key sectors such as BPO, manufacturing, including small businesses like restaurants and retail to operate. From ECQ (Enhanced Community Quarantine), they will implement GCQ (General Community Quarantine) with more relaxed measures and to tell you honestly, just the thought of people going back unsettles me.

Another cruel summer

Yesterday afternoon, I thought our aircon has stopped working because even while it’s set on high cool, I found myself panting and sweating. I stood up and placed my hand by the louver and while it was whirring and blowing a light breeze, it barely cooled our little space.

For a moment there it made me nervous, for if the aircon’s broken the timing would be so wrong, as I can’t afford to buy a new unit. But come to think of it, even if I happen to have the moolah, where can I buy one with this nationwide lockdown? (I have ordered an industrial-type wall fan online and I don’t even know when I can expect that delivered).

It was only when the door opened that I realized there’s nothing wrong with our cooling unit. I felt this rush of warm, balmy air blowing in you’d swear it’s the breath of the devil himself.

There's no going back to normal

I actually looked like this kitty already

41 days and counting. When you are at home that long, you lose track of the days. Life has become unstructured, almost a blur. I’d often find myself asking, “What day of the week is it now?” even if I should know as I am still working from home.

The government announced last week that the lockdown will be extended until May 15 which means 18 more days of ennui for me. The thing is, there’s no point in waiting because, who am I fooling? There’s no going back to normal after all this.

Not ideal for me

Before I move along, I hope this post would not taken as me being all whiny and ungrateful about the fact that I’m working from home. If for anything, I’m so thankful to be able to work remotely and still get my usual compensation, when most of my colleagues weren’t as lucky to be given a slot.

Of course, when it comes to choosing between No Work vs. WFH, anyone who isn’t pea-brained would tell you that they’d rather be working from home during this lockdown because at least they get paid. On the other hand, if you’ll ask me to choose between WFH and working in an office, I would choose the latter in a heartbeat.

Not so well, thank you.

Wondering when I'd be out and about again

29 days since the lockdown that forced me to stay home, I might already be experiencing cabin fever. I have developed this overall feeling of malaise, sadness, and uneasiness that I can’t seem to shake off. I never thought I’d have this being a homebody and an introvert; I thought I can move through this quarantine easy-peasy, but this isolation is getting me all “stir-crazy”.

Solidarity through Prayers

Today is Good Friday, one of the most important holidays of the Catholic Church.

Because of the COVID-19 outbreak, mass gatherings related to Holy Week are canceled. The last time this happened was during the war, which means this postponement is the first time in the lifetime of many of us.

Pope Francis holds Mass for Holy Thursday in St. Peter's Basilica

Extended

I was halfway through the movie “A Simple Favor” when my brother said that the president is already giving his address late Tuesday night.

Drifting in and out of sleep while watching, I was only able to catch quite a few of what he said as he’s slurring that I don’t know if I’d feel annoyed or sorry for him. He looks resigned, exhausted and almost hopeless that he even asked why this pandemic had to happen during his presidency.

Sure, there are so many things that sent me at my wits’ end with this administration’s (in)competency in handling this situation, but I also realized how any leader of a third-world country like ours will be brought down to his knees at a crisis of this magnitude.

I am in no way excusing him, only that I think it’ll be better to deal with the missteps later when the dust settles. Call it abstinence or perhaps a show of compassion since it’s the Holy Week, but I’d refrain from denouncing what the government is doing for the meantime and just pray this will be over soon.

Worse Than The Virus

Reading posts about the COVID-19 pandemic on Facebook (confirmed cases as of this writing: 3,246, deaths: 152) already triggers paranoia that I never thought I had in me, but even worse are the godawful posts related to how the government and the people are handling the crisis.

I believe that how you act at a time like this only shows the person you really are. I read about how some residents in Dinalupihan, Bataan opted out on the relief goods for poorer, more deserving families. But I’ve also seen a video of a man throwing relief goods to the ground because he said it isn’t enough.

Remotely Yours

After two weeks in quarantine, I was finally allowed to work from home starting last Friday. For many days I was anxious from waiting especially when our VP announced that we’ll only be paid for the first week of the ECQ, and for the following week onwards, employees who are not working from home or onsite will not receive their usual compensation. If we wanted it paid, then we must use our remaining earned leaves.

Enter Week 2

It’s been a week since the enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) was declared which forced many of us to stay home. Days began to blur that I didn’t even realize that yesterday was Sunday — typically my laundry day. As the self-service laundry place I go to is closed indefinitely, I have to start tackling the pile of dirty clothes in my hamper (Silver lining: Laundry is mostly house clothes and underwear).

I don’t think everything’s going back to normal anytime soon.

Hoping for the best, expecting the worst

Confirmed COVID-19 cases in the Philippines as of this writing: 230

This is only my 4th day of being confined at home (since I still went to work last Monday) and I’m already getting anxious.

My unease had nothing to do with boredom or restlessness but more about starting to dread the whole uncertainty of it. See, unless you are among the filthy rich who can afford not to work for the rest of your life, you’d be stupid to think of this worldwide health crisis as a momentary “sweet escape”. It’s arrogant to assume that this will not affect you one way or another.

When this is over

When this quarantine’s over, I will ─

 - Go to mass.

It makes me feel guilty how before all this, I don’t go to church on Sundays anymore. The reason being my utter distaste at some of the clergy’s strong, rather inappropriate stance on politics and current events and not because I have gone agnostic or anything.

- Travel.

I don’t care if it’s in or outside the country, but I will. It’s only now I appreciate how fun it is to be actually out there.

Quarantined

Metro Manila started a 30-day “community quarantine” midnight of Sunday, March 15, 2020 to contain the spread of the COVID-19.

An empty street as viewed from my bedroom window 

The initial quarantine involves a ban on land, domestic air and sea travel in and out of NCR. Police and military personnel were deployed to manage peace and order. No one can leave or enter the region except health personnel, authorized government officials and workers that provide basic necessities and food preparation services.

Classes in all levels are suspended for a month. Malls, public places and most business establishments are closed until further notice, while church services and masses are also suspended for the meantime. Curfews were enforced by many cities in Metro Manila.

But then since the first announcement, many have scampered to supermarkets that shelves had been emptied when panicked shoppers bought alcohol, toilet paper, canned goods, meat products, bread, etc. by the bulk. Bus stations suddenly had an influx of passengers racing to go home to their provinces to avoid the lockdown.

It’s just like Christmas rush all over again, only that the atmosphere is far from happy.

Rest easy, pogi cousin

Death is always difficult when it comes like a thief in the night, or when it hits close to home, or when it takes a person who was once so animated and full of life.

I lost my cousin Allen (known to everyone as “Pongky”) to heart attack last Saturday. He was 40.

Only My Love is Fiercer

When I was young, I used to tell my mom in jest that I will never, ever be a strict disciplinarian like her. That I will never nag, harp on at or hit my kids. Instead, I will be open-minded and almost overindulgent. I will be more like my  “cool” dad who has a permissive parenting style.

“HA!” — she interjects with a chuckle, “Akala mo lang `yun!” (That’s what you think!)

Fast-forward to today, I realized that I did end up like her. That I am more like my mother than my father.

The apple never falls far from the tree, indeed.

The Reluctant Miss

I believe I’ve mentioned in a post last year that I have an account on an online dating site. It was something I signed up for more than five years ago, highly likely out of boredom, curiosity and, yeah — maybe even out of loneliness over something I no longer recall. Sometimes you have to throw your caution to the wind and give everything a try.

I chose Filipino Cupid because it’s not location-based like Tinder where proximity is a key factor and not dominated by twenty and thirty-somethings like OkCupid. You might say it's counterproductive, but for someone who signed-up for a dating site, I’m not actually that keen to date.

Why clothes shopping is not as fun anymore

I’ve said this a million times — I’m anything but typical for a girl. For instance, when it comes to shopping for clothes, I don’t circle the entire mall many times looking for all the possible options, then take my time in deciding what I’d have. When I head to a store, I pretty much know what I want and do it as quickly as possible.

If it fits, I’ll take it.

Beyond Dismal

In our household, none of us bothered learning how to drive because we never owned a car. Either that — or buying a car was never a priority when none of us knew how to drive anyway.

Quite frankly, if I really want it now and if I’m prepared to do some serious penny-pinching, I think I could afford any from a Suzuki Alto to a Nissan Almera. There are so many auto loans being offered with easier payment terms and low-interest rates these days, which is why in the last few years the volume of passenger cars and commercial vehicles on the road has increased exponentially (thus, the traffic).

My older brother and I came thisclose to getting one, but it just didn’t pan out after careful consideration. Lack of parking area is one; then there’s how we don’t want another responsibility on top of what we’re already paying regularly. We realized that we don’t badly need one, at least not yet, because public transportation is still relatively cheaper (albeit hardly dependable).

You don't know my game

Some of the young people I work with probably think I’m the biggest humdrum and that I’ve always been like that even when I was their age. At times, I wonder if they went as far as imagining me knitting sweaters on weekends (FYI, I don’t know any needlework).

I remember how my jaws dropped when one asked me if I know the band The Cranberries when Dolores O'Riordan died two years ago, and the same person asking me recently if I know who Kobe Bryant was — as if both weren’t even from my time.

To some, older makes you dumber. They think you’re less smart and less competent compared to everyone else. They automatically assume that just because I know zilch about K-Dramas, who Billie Eilish is or what’s on Netflix, that I also don’t know many other things.

Bad Gut

I almost stayed in bed for the entire weekend. My back hurts like hell, felt queasy and disgustingly bloated. I’ve managed to go to the mall after lunch last Saturday thinking I could shake it off but went home after an hour as I wasn’t feeling any better.

The following morning is laundry day. Even if I wasn’t feeling well when I woke up, I dragged my butt; ate two slices of loaf and off I went carrying more than 10 kilos of dirty clothes. If I flake out and stay in bed, I’m pretty sure I’d only feel worse.

The rest of the day, however, was spent inside my room — indisposed.

I wish I knew what’s going on without having to go to the doctor (did you notice how most doctors let their patients wait for hours?). I don’t want to Google my symptoms either—as it will only give me the worst case of cyberchondria because if it isn’t cancer, it is some hard-to-pronounce illness enough to freak out the overthinker in me.

But yeah — I’m not feeling my best lately. It isn’t the flu or anything that I’d catch because of the season, but more of a general feeling of weakness and discomfort.

My main complaint is my gut. There’s seems to be some trouble brewing inside after every meal. It’s not an urge to do number two, just that feeling of heaviness. At first, I thought it’s just me PMS-ing, but now I suspect my intestines are sluggish or even blocked. It seems I can’t digest my food very well and it just stays right in my stomach as belly fat.

Oh, Chris.

(This is a Chris Evans appreciation post. If you don’t like him or you’re one of those who already got tired of my incessant gushing over the man—feel free to skip.)

There was never a time in my life that I haven’t been a fangirl. Whether it’s for an actor, a singer, a band or an athlete, I am not one to hide my feelings of admiration and devotion. For me, having someone to look up to for inspiration makes life interesting.

I have had so many celebrity crushes in the past; some rather embarrassing (James Van Der Beek during his Dawson Creek days was one). Some days I have more than one celebrity crush I could even make a list. Others were a passing fancy, while there are ones that took me years to get over.

There are many good-looking Hollywood actors, but back then I was into a different type. For a while, I like the types of Farrell and Fassbender who are rough-around-the-edges but absolutely hot in their own mysterious kind of way. Then when I somehow outgrew the bad-boy type, I got pretty much attracted to the older, more mature men like Colin Firth (which perhaps had more to do with the fact that I am an Anglophile).

For almost two years now, it’s Chris Evans. Only Chris Evans.

Nippy

On the first day of February, the coldest temperature so far for Metro Manila was recorded at 18.5°C (65.3°F) while Baguio City dropped to 10°C (50°F). You people from the Northern hemisphere who happen to be reading this may choke on your own snicker and say, “You call that cold?” — for a tropical country like ours, THAT’S COLD.

This is probably the best time to take out your Uniqlo jackets and sweaters or sleep in your flannel PJs. These days, taking a bath at 4AM (at least for me on a weekday) might feel like the ice bucket challenge, but there’s nothing that hot water straight from the whistling kettle couldn’t fix.

This kind of weather may also coincide with the flu season (I’m still nursing a bad cough) and it actually triggers rheumatic pains in every joint of my body, yet I’ve got absolutely no complaints. I’ll take this weather anytime than lose my sanity with the infernal Philippine summer.