If there’s something I’ve learned over years of dealing with all sorts of people, that is to make sure to stay away from those who can saddle me with their toxicity and negativity.
I don’t know who came with the idea to use the word toxic to describe a person whose behavior can leave you exhausted and emotionally drained, but whoever did so was right about one thing: Toxic people can be as destructive and damaging.
Toxic people are the ones who create drama; manipulate others through their neediness; drag other people down; spread negativity and hatred; heavily criticize others; think solely of themselves; make others feel guilty over something, etc.
When I was younger and obviously more naïve, I always believed that when you show a person some goodness, that person will give back the same good to you. I realized that while this isn’t entirely false, it is also not always true. Some people can just be so selfish.
For the longest time I basked in the role of everybody’s “ate” or big sister—someone who you can run to for advice and support about anything with no judgment.
While my intentions to help are true and I did all of that with genuineness and sincerity, I realized it became an emotionally unhealthy cycle. I’d find myself immersed in other people’s woes and conflicts more than I ever wanted to.
Once I have this friend from many years back, let’s call her Y, who was in a very turbulent relationship.
I was always there for her. One call and I’ll come running to her house where I’d find her crying miserably and wallowing in self-pity.
No amount of relationship advice gets through her, especially that Y only has one justification whenever I tell her to break up with the guy: “I love him, ate.” — Never mind if the guy was abusive and had been cheating on her, never mind if this guy had been treating her like garbage.
One moment they’re okay, then things turn very nasty again. When this happens, Y will call me, and while she doesn’t say it straight out, she’d make me feel that if I were a real friend, then I must drop everything for her.
Y called me one afternoon and said she wants to take her life. At the time, I wasn’t sure if she will make true of her threat but I don’t want to risk and regret it if ever.
On my way to her house, I was so scared I’d find her cold and dead and I imagined myself being forever traumatized by it.
I saw her slumped on her bed with her wrist slashed. There was blood on the sheets, but I can tell that the wound wasn’t fatal.
I was obviously panic-stricken and exhausted beyond words when I got there, but Y doesn’t even care how her ‘stunt’ can affect me mentally.
She is willing to do everything for attention and she got it. After a few days, I heard she was back with her boyfriend again as if nothing happened.
The last straw came when Y made a scene on my birthday—of all days. I didn’t know that she and her boyfriend were on a break at the time but both of them showed up.
Before I know it, the tension escalated and Y was already drinking more than she could handle. She was mumbling loud enough for everyone to hear: “He killed our baby! He killed our baby!” (obviously referring to an abortion).
And in what I would describe as awfully climactic, Y finally had too much and vomited all over the house, ruining the night for me and everyone else present. I found myself apologizing to the other guests who witnessed the drama. A guy friend was gracious enough to help me clean up the mess.
My parents were fuming mad when they found out what happened and I got an earful on how I don’t know how to choose people I associate myself with.
My niece gave me a reality check: “Pino-problema mo kasi ang problema ng ibang tao!” (It’s because you make other people’s problems your problem!)
It made me think hard if she actually considers me a friend simply because you don’t subject your friend to that.
You don’t ruin your friend’s special day for your own drama. You don’t make a friend clean up your mess. You don’t embarrass your friend in front of other people. You don’t let your friend get in trouble with her folks.
Ultimately, that was when I decided to cut her off my life for good.
While this incident with Y speaks ‘toxic’ on every angle, there are people who are more subtle but can still be considered as toxic.
A judgmental relative who made it a pastime to criticize people;
An officemate who seems to be getting along with everyone—but catching her on more than one occasion badmouthing another colleague;
A person who perennially thinks that he’s always the victim of circumstance beyond his control;
An over-jealous narcissistic boyfriend who wants you all to himself but was the one cheating on you;
An invasive social media follower who shows up to your house unannounced;
A High School friend who believes you are insecure of her and has found so many ways to slyly put you down;
A Facebook friend posting rants intended for a specific person.
All I’ve mentioned above are just some of the toxic people I dealt with once upon a time. Trying to reason with them has left me emotionally wiped-out and at some point, even made me sick.
If every year of my life is represented by a matchstick, dealing with a negative person burns out that matchstick.
This year I’ve gotten more zealous in cutting ties with negative people. I have learned to have limitations and set boundaries. The moment I feel the slightest surge in my blood pressure, heaviness on my chest or an anxiety attack/stress brewing caused by another person—I avoid that person like the plague. If it’s someone on my online circle, I have no hesitation unfollowing them.
This took me a lot of courage, but I know it is the right thing to do. I guess I just don’t have the energy to deal with them anymore.
I now keep a small circle of trusted friends and limit my interaction with people I barely know; I try not to subscribe to another person’s drama; I distance myself from people who zap my happy energy with all their whining and complaining; I no longer feel the need to win an argument or force my opinions on other people; If a possible promotion could mean dealing with difficult people along the way then I don’t want it; I chose not to participate in online message boards over a controversial no-win topic; I also no longer indulge on tsismis and gossips.
In other words, it became a matter of self-preservation. I made it a point to love myself more, even if it means letting go of some people and fake relationships.
I don’t know who came with the idea to use the word toxic to describe a person whose behavior can leave you exhausted and emotionally drained, but whoever did so was right about one thing: Toxic people can be as destructive and damaging.
Toxic people are the ones who create drama; manipulate others through their neediness; drag other people down; spread negativity and hatred; heavily criticize others; think solely of themselves; make others feel guilty over something, etc.
When I was younger and obviously more naïve, I always believed that when you show a person some goodness, that person will give back the same good to you. I realized that while this isn’t entirely false, it is also not always true. Some people can just be so selfish.
For the longest time I basked in the role of everybody’s “ate” or big sister—someone who you can run to for advice and support about anything with no judgment.
While my intentions to help are true and I did all of that with genuineness and sincerity, I realized it became an emotionally unhealthy cycle. I’d find myself immersed in other people’s woes and conflicts more than I ever wanted to.
***
Once I have this friend from many years back, let’s call her Y, who was in a very turbulent relationship.
I was always there for her. One call and I’ll come running to her house where I’d find her crying miserably and wallowing in self-pity.
No amount of relationship advice gets through her, especially that Y only has one justification whenever I tell her to break up with the guy: “I love him, ate.” — Never mind if the guy was abusive and had been cheating on her, never mind if this guy had been treating her like garbage.
One moment they’re okay, then things turn very nasty again. When this happens, Y will call me, and while she doesn’t say it straight out, she’d make me feel that if I were a real friend, then I must drop everything for her.
Y called me one afternoon and said she wants to take her life. At the time, I wasn’t sure if she will make true of her threat but I don’t want to risk and regret it if ever.
On my way to her house, I was so scared I’d find her cold and dead and I imagined myself being forever traumatized by it.
I saw her slumped on her bed with her wrist slashed. There was blood on the sheets, but I can tell that the wound wasn’t fatal.
I was obviously panic-stricken and exhausted beyond words when I got there, but Y doesn’t even care how her ‘stunt’ can affect me mentally.
She is willing to do everything for attention and she got it. After a few days, I heard she was back with her boyfriend again as if nothing happened.
The last straw came when Y made a scene on my birthday—of all days. I didn’t know that she and her boyfriend were on a break at the time but both of them showed up.
Before I know it, the tension escalated and Y was already drinking more than she could handle. She was mumbling loud enough for everyone to hear: “He killed our baby! He killed our baby!” (obviously referring to an abortion).
And in what I would describe as awfully climactic, Y finally had too much and vomited all over the house, ruining the night for me and everyone else present. I found myself apologizing to the other guests who witnessed the drama. A guy friend was gracious enough to help me clean up the mess.
My parents were fuming mad when they found out what happened and I got an earful on how I don’t know how to choose people I associate myself with.
My niece gave me a reality check: “Pino-problema mo kasi ang problema ng ibang tao!” (It’s because you make other people’s problems your problem!)
It made me think hard if she actually considers me a friend simply because you don’t subject your friend to that.
You don’t ruin your friend’s special day for your own drama. You don’t make a friend clean up your mess. You don’t embarrass your friend in front of other people. You don’t let your friend get in trouble with her folks.
Ultimately, that was when I decided to cut her off my life for good.
***
While this incident with Y speaks ‘toxic’ on every angle, there are people who are more subtle but can still be considered as toxic.
A judgmental relative who made it a pastime to criticize people;
An officemate who seems to be getting along with everyone—but catching her on more than one occasion badmouthing another colleague;
A person who perennially thinks that he’s always the victim of circumstance beyond his control;
An over-jealous narcissistic boyfriend who wants you all to himself but was the one cheating on you;
An invasive social media follower who shows up to your house unannounced;
A High School friend who believes you are insecure of her and has found so many ways to slyly put you down;
A Facebook friend posting rants intended for a specific person.
All I’ve mentioned above are just some of the toxic people I dealt with once upon a time. Trying to reason with them has left me emotionally wiped-out and at some point, even made me sick.
If every year of my life is represented by a matchstick, dealing with a negative person burns out that matchstick.
***
There’s nothing wrong wanting to get along with everyone, but if it is already taking a toll on your overall well-being, then it’s no longer wise to continue having relationship with them.
This year I’ve gotten more zealous in cutting ties with negative people. I have learned to have limitations and set boundaries. The moment I feel the slightest surge in my blood pressure, heaviness on my chest or an anxiety attack/stress brewing caused by another person—I avoid that person like the plague. If it’s someone on my online circle, I have no hesitation unfollowing them.
This took me a lot of courage, but I know it is the right thing to do. I guess I just don’t have the energy to deal with them anymore.
I now keep a small circle of trusted friends and limit my interaction with people I barely know; I try not to subscribe to another person’s drama; I distance myself from people who zap my happy energy with all their whining and complaining; I no longer feel the need to win an argument or force my opinions on other people; If a possible promotion could mean dealing with difficult people along the way then I don’t want it; I chose not to participate in online message boards over a controversial no-win topic; I also no longer indulge on tsismis and gossips.
In other words, it became a matter of self-preservation. I made it a point to love myself more, even if it means letting go of some people and fake relationships.
