Enough already, please.

My uncle, who I mentioned in my last post, died last Sunday due to complications from his stroke. It was another blow to the family as we are still recovering from the sudden passing of my cousin last March. That’s two deaths in the same house—our house—in just a matter of four months.

With the current situation, so much has changed with how we are dealing with this loss. The family decided to have a wake, even when most of us couldn’t be there physically to pay our last respects for obvious reasons. I only went to see him last Monday, prayed in front of his coffin, and left. I can’t even sit for a while to comfort my aunt and my cousin because I’m trying so much to limit my interaction with people. 

A mass was offered to him last night, and many of us just watched it on FB Live. I wanted so much to go there but realized that if I’ll only be there for 15 minutes at most, I thought it would be better I just stay home.

More "Me" Time

Starting next week, our work hours will be trimmed to just 50% and I will only work twice a week which is every Monday and Thursday. Yes, this would mean a significant pay cut but I still consider this a blessing because at least I am NOT one of the 10% that had to be let go.

I understand that the company had to do this as our industry was badly hit by the pandemic. The hotel occupancy level in all regions is on its all-time low and travels and meetings are going much weaker. For these and for many other reasons, the management decided to reduce further costs by lessening corporate travels, reevaluating planned investments, and reducing corporate roles. The latter—by far the hardest decision they took—was announced in the middle of the month.

Shortly following the announcement, many of us experienced a great deal of anxiety. When we were finally on the clear, I’m just glad that my brother and I kept our jobs albeit the temporary pay cut. I had to say, our company has dealt with this crisis far better than our competitors. The steps weren’t as severe as what I’ve been hearing from similar industries like airlines, resorts and casinos where they had to let go of more than half of their workforce. To think, we even have the Colleague Emergency Support Fund available to provide some immediate help to colleagues who may be facing pressing financial hardship due to a reduction in their income. 

Hello, anxiety.

I’ve been trying not to write about stuff I’m going through because I don’t want to be a downer and no one wants to read about someone’s bout with anxiety. But things have been so fracked up with this pandemic you can read about something unsettling somewhere else every day anyway. (Don’t believe me? Read the local news and the absurdity of the people working for the government and you’ll get what I mean.)

Besides, I thought, if I am fortunate enough to survive this, I might as well document both the good and bad.

The past few days were tough for me. I have not been sleeping at night (sometimes I don’t sleep at all) and feel very tired and lethargic by the day. I have sudden, unexplained chest pains, stomachache, and headache. I don’t feel like doing anything; I didn’t have the desire to eat or write—two of my favorite things to do. I’m so stressed that I get irritable and sensitive at the slightest stir. While I haven’t cried myself to sleep or sobbed for no reason, I feel empty and numb. To simply put, there’s that overall feeling of not feeling well. A depressive episode, if you will.

At first, I chalked it up to hormones. But when it didn’t go away for days, I knew I had to stop and acknowledge that anxiety is real.