I envy people who claim that they don't feel their age. I wish I have such physical, emotional and mental strength to feel the same.
I’m pushing 43 this year, and even if I take it as a blessing and continue to say (defensively — sometimes) that age is merely a number, who am I kidding? I’m starting to feel it now more than ever. Being single in my forties is an even more confusing state to be in as I don’t seem to fit anywhere. I can’t be with the people my age as most are married with kids and I can’t be in the company of the younger ones because generation gap is starting to get in the way.
When you spend most of your days in a workplace full of twenty- and thirtysomethings, you can’t help but feel ancient no matter how young-at-heart you think you are. Like, I’m okay eating with my officemates during lunch (I appreciate it when they call me to join them or even save a space for me) but there are times I prefer just eating alone. I mean, what can I contribute in a conversation about KPop and Mobile Legends, right?
I also became pretty much a loner. Sometimes an entire shift would go by without me ever talking just because that’s how I want my day to be: Quiet. Uninterrupted. I don't wanna be bothered. I know people might see this as me being moody and even a stuck-up but it isn’t. It's just how it is. While I can easily quash the misconceptions about me, I don’t want to keep explaining why I behave in such a way especially when I know they won't fully understand.
I always wondered why old people are grumpy, now I’m starting to understand why. When I hit my late thirties, there are certain things that changed about me. I absolutely have zero tolerance for senseless chit-chat that I do get annoyed when I have a noisy co-worker. I also don’t enjoy participating in gossip as much anymore. Stereotype titas like chismis, right? Not me. If someone’s passing one to me, I don’t pass it any further. I end it with “talaga?” and move on. I just don’t wanna get involved with other people's business. I have enough drama of my own.
While I was brought up to be respectful of people regardless of social standing, I noticed how I now easily get irritated at slow service crew, at a condescending saleslady or an unreliable customer service rep. I don’t go on a rage, but I make sure I speak my mind with no hesitation. Like recently at a mall, I waited in long line to pay in the cashier and when it got to my turn, the computer terminal suddenly malfunctioned. The saleslady apologized to the people behind me and asked if they can transfer to another counter. After a few minutes and realizing that they cannot make the computer to work, they eventually asked me to transfer as well. That very instant, I felt my eyebrow going up and told them in an irritated voice that I won’t go back to the end of the line again. Realizing I will have none of it, one of the salesladies accompanied me to another counter and she was the one who stood in line for me. I mean, years ago I would have just gone to the next counter.
My work ethic has never been as good. I make sure I just don’t do my job, I see to it that I do it well. I don't remember being as mature and disciplined before with my past jobs. Perhaps in time I have learned the value of work and tenure that I certainly wouldn't want to look for another job and go back to square one if I muck things up.
And then there’s that bitter truth of it all: My own body is telling me that I'm getting old. I now have things like presbyopia and cervical kyphosis — both are manifestations that I’m putting mileage on. Not a day in a month would pass without me having sort of neck or backache. Even the balls and the heels of my feet still hurt for wearing stilettos months ago.
I now watch what I eat. Avoided sodas as much as I could and always make it a point to add veggies to my diet. Hydrate. Meditate. After all, news of people passing right around the same age as me has been such a wake-up call. I have one schoolmate and a friend who died recently, one from a kidney failure and the other of an aneurysm. I know 40 is not young, but it's definitely not old either. If you die around my age, it’s still going too soon.
My interests narrowed down as well. There are a lot of things I was obsessed with 15 years ago that I don’t even think much about now. Ex-boyfriends and former crushes included. Sleep has become a luxury, that I would choose staying in bed all day than go partying or shopping.
If there’s one thing I’m thankful for is the fact that I think — I THINK — I don’t look the part just yet. Imagine if looking in the mirror would remind me every time that I'm in my mid-life. God bless my genes because even at extreme close-up, I don’t see any age spots or wrinkles, except for the heavy set of eyebags that I will have forever because of my mild exophthalmos. Sure, there’s my fluffy cheeks and I don’t look forward to it sagging in twenty years, but I am still okay (I mean my boobs are still perky for one, hahaha!). I can still get away wearing a cropped statement top and a skirt without looking like I am trying too hard. So the question now is, how long will it be till my age start to register on my looks? I don't wanna think about that yet.
I am getting old. I feel it and it’s all too real.
I’m pushing 43 this year, and even if I take it as a blessing and continue to say (defensively — sometimes) that age is merely a number, who am I kidding? I’m starting to feel it now more than ever. Being single in my forties is an even more confusing state to be in as I don’t seem to fit anywhere. I can’t be with the people my age as most are married with kids and I can’t be in the company of the younger ones because generation gap is starting to get in the way.
When you spend most of your days in a workplace full of twenty- and thirtysomethings, you can’t help but feel ancient no matter how young-at-heart you think you are. Like, I’m okay eating with my officemates during lunch (I appreciate it when they call me to join them or even save a space for me) but there are times I prefer just eating alone. I mean, what can I contribute in a conversation about KPop and Mobile Legends, right?
I also became pretty much a loner. Sometimes an entire shift would go by without me ever talking just because that’s how I want my day to be: Quiet. Uninterrupted. I don't wanna be bothered. I know people might see this as me being moody and even a stuck-up but it isn’t. It's just how it is. While I can easily quash the misconceptions about me, I don’t want to keep explaining why I behave in such a way especially when I know they won't fully understand.
I always wondered why old people are grumpy, now I’m starting to understand why. When I hit my late thirties, there are certain things that changed about me. I absolutely have zero tolerance for senseless chit-chat that I do get annoyed when I have a noisy co-worker. I also don’t enjoy participating in gossip as much anymore. Stereotype titas like chismis, right? Not me. If someone’s passing one to me, I don’t pass it any further. I end it with “talaga?” and move on. I just don’t wanna get involved with other people's business. I have enough drama of my own.
While I was brought up to be respectful of people regardless of social standing, I noticed how I now easily get irritated at slow service crew, at a condescending saleslady or an unreliable customer service rep. I don’t go on a rage, but I make sure I speak my mind with no hesitation. Like recently at a mall, I waited in long line to pay in the cashier and when it got to my turn, the computer terminal suddenly malfunctioned. The saleslady apologized to the people behind me and asked if they can transfer to another counter. After a few minutes and realizing that they cannot make the computer to work, they eventually asked me to transfer as well. That very instant, I felt my eyebrow going up and told them in an irritated voice that I won’t go back to the end of the line again. Realizing I will have none of it, one of the salesladies accompanied me to another counter and she was the one who stood in line for me. I mean, years ago I would have just gone to the next counter.
My work ethic has never been as good. I make sure I just don’t do my job, I see to it that I do it well. I don't remember being as mature and disciplined before with my past jobs. Perhaps in time I have learned the value of work and tenure that I certainly wouldn't want to look for another job and go back to square one if I muck things up.
And then there’s that bitter truth of it all: My own body is telling me that I'm getting old. I now have things like presbyopia and cervical kyphosis — both are manifestations that I’m putting mileage on. Not a day in a month would pass without me having sort of neck or backache. Even the balls and the heels of my feet still hurt for wearing stilettos months ago.
 |
| My cervical kyphosis as seen on X-ray |
My interests narrowed down as well. There are a lot of things I was obsessed with 15 years ago that I don’t even think much about now. Ex-boyfriends and former crushes included. Sleep has become a luxury, that I would choose staying in bed all day than go partying or shopping.
If there’s one thing I’m thankful for is the fact that I think — I THINK — I don’t look the part just yet. Imagine if looking in the mirror would remind me every time that I'm in my mid-life. God bless my genes because even at extreme close-up, I don’t see any age spots or wrinkles, except for the heavy set of eyebags that I will have forever because of my mild exophthalmos. Sure, there’s my fluffy cheeks and I don’t look forward to it sagging in twenty years, but I am still okay (I mean my boobs are still perky for one, hahaha!). I can still get away wearing a cropped statement top and a skirt without looking like I am trying too hard. So the question now is, how long will it be till my age start to register on my looks? I don't wanna think about that yet.
I am getting old. I feel it and it’s all too real.
You should see my maintenance meds mare, nakaka-lola. Lol!
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