But now if there’s something I dread and could instantly give me an anxiety attack, that would be going out on a date. Regardless if it’s a blind date, casual date, group date, or double date—I just don’t know how to go about it. The fact that I will have to spend a few hours with a guy petrifies me. Maybe part of it is my declining self-esteem, plus that looming fear of rejection.
 |
| Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash |
Yes, people—I’m riding on a bus to my doom to singlehood.
Many believed that online dating is for the desperate and that it's the last resort for people who can't get a date in the real world. I'm fully aware of this negative stigma, which is why I don't go around telling people, even friends, that I joined one. There's nothing to tell anyway, as I wasn't counting on meeting someone and hoping it'll take off from there. I did it more out of curiosity (promise!) and just to see how it is. I didn't even pay for the membership and just opted for the free account which gives very limited access. Guess I'm not that keen to start a new romance.
Of course, it wouldn't hurt to fantasize something similar to “You’ve Got Mail” but who am I kidding? These days finding a Joe Fox who would be interested with a woman my age is a long stretch.
Besides, I'm so torpe; I have gotten so socially inept that I have more courage to talk to men in such a platform knowing that there will be no physical interaction. Well, not unless temporary insanity made me decide to meet with the guy in person and the probability of that is = 0. You can say that the point of having an online dating account is moot in my case.
This particular site I joined is frequented by foreigners that are not based in the Philippines, which is better. See, if I install a location-based dating app such as Tinder, the possibility of coming across the guy is higher and I don’t want to be within close proximity to someone I met online. The obvious downside though is most of these foreigners have Asian fetishes, so I kinda expected that I’d encounter a lot of shady and deviant characters.
As it turns out, creating a wholesome profile didn’t stop the pervs. It was discomfiting at first getting indecent proposals and invitations for hookups one after the other. As it got so frequent, I learned to just laugh off at their pathetic attempts. For one, I got so used to being sent unsolicited dick pics of all shapes, sizes and colors which would be enough to spread it like wallpaper.
It wasn’t all bad. I met a British guy almost 18 years my senior who I ended up liking because we always have interesting talks. If there’s one thing that would get me attracted to the opposite sex, it is the way he carries a conversation and this man is just that and more. He’s divorced with two grown-up kids and also a retired law enforcer, so his stories about the IRA and “The Troubles” fascinate me.
He was a perfect gentleman, never hinted sexual innuendos even if he was—as he said—very attracted to me. But before it could turn into a full-blown romance with him whooshing here or me packing my bags to Northern Ireland, something happened along the way that it just didn’t pan out. No harm done; I'm just glad that apart from Skyping, sharing of stories and photos—nothing else was “exchanged”—if you know what I mean.
Since then I didn’t take any invite seriously from the same dating site. I don’t like going through the motions again only to end up like what happened to me and the British guy. It's good that there wasn't a lot of options anyway. I get messages from octogenarian guys to creepy Arab men. I once got a proposal ala-Fifty Shades of Grey minus the billionaire angle (so it’s just like saying he just needed a submissive but is too poor to pay for one). And perhaps my all-time favorite was when I was asked: “Are you a ladyboy?”
The only one quite promising was this Michael Biehn look-alike but ruined it all by saying the wrong hirit. He flatly asked me minutes into what I thought was a fun chat: "Are you going to ask me to send you money now?" Grabe, I was too insulted to come up with a ball-busting counter. When he realized I got upset, he went on explaining that most of the Filipina girls he meets on the site would ask him for money so he was just cutting to the chase. I went rambling on how I have my own money ready to slap it to his face (Charot lang). He apologized and was very resentful that I got close to a hundred messages from him saying sorry and begging for another chance. Too late, my interest fizzled.
There was no way to delete the account, at least no way that I know of, so even if I have long been inactive, I still get matches via e-mail twice a week. Almost four years after Mr. British Guy, none of them got close. Don’t get me wrong, there's quite a handful of good-looking guys I see there but maybe I don’t have the level of confidence I had when I was younger to ramp it up. Plus, it's not always the physical that counts.
In short, whether online or IRL, I don't have any luck when it comes to dating in general. My dating diva past is all behind me now. Well-meaning friends were telling me to give it a try a little more this time because I’m single, available and got nothing to lose. What they don’t realize is I have my dignity to lose if things don’t work out again since I get attached too quickly. But then, maybe they have a point. A good guy will never fall into my lap because things like that only happen in the movies.
And if my life was a movie, it was never a rom-com.
I don't know about you, but I have reached the stage where I don't even know if I'm capable of being in a relationship with someone again. I've gotten so used to being independent for so long that the thought of having another person to consider in my life feels like too much work.
ReplyDeleteI haven't really given up on that, to be honest. But at the same time, if I don't get to find someone I really, really like then I'd rather not. It's not really about standards, (when I'm in love my so-called standards goes out of the window). Pero `yun nga, overtime I'm much harder to impress, let alone harder to fall. `Yung mga things that would make me fall in love with a guy many years ago just don't cut anymore. Part of me is scared that I will never get to feel crazy love again. Hayy.
Delete