Why breakups are hard—but winnable

Sometimes a breakup can change a person so much that they become a different person in the process. Some breakups consume you in more ways than one as it affects several facets of your being. It impacts how you see yourself, how you deal with people, how you behave and how you view things like relationships in general.

When a relationship ends bitterly, some tend to beat themselves over it. What did I do wrong? How could he do this to me?—there’s always that sinking feeling at the pit of your stomach that is eerily similar to being humiliated. It makes one question his or her worthiness. Am I not good enough? Don’t I deserve to be happy?

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Picking up the pieces is always the most difficult process of all. It is when you have to accept the fact that the love is gone—or at least it’s not enough to keep you two together. Even while the relationship was never perfect and oftentimes turbulent, the mere thought of going on without the person seems unbearable especially when you worked so damn hard for it. You find yourself waiting for a text or call that will never come or some cosmic miracle that somehow your ex shows up right at your door. You think about the day-to-day activities that you do together and how all that will be no more. It's a series of adjustments and a major change in routine.

When the unlikelihood of reconciliation sinks in, comes the grieving process. People differ in how they manifest their own grief. Some would retreat to the comfort of his or her own solitude, while some need to be with friends to divert their mind off the hurt. Some are vocal, others just clam up. While the approach to handling a breakup differs, there’s no denying that by the end of the day, you—more than anyone—know that the pain is real.

There are times you’d suddenly get desperate for answers, wanting to understand what went wrong. Even if you feel you have said all there is to say, there will always be something you feel you’ve missed out. Because of this desperation sometimes you relapse and contact your ex again, but then you realize the truth that there is nothing left to say, at least nothing to make any difference.

I have my share of bad breakups—with one more recent, and it was so bad that I even thought of swearing off love for good. I admit that at first, I struggled at doing anything, that even getting up in bed seems so hard even if I had trouble sleeping that night. I can't concentrate. I would have this upset stomach and a wave of nausea almost every day for no reason. I feel disconnected from the people around me even to family and friends. I lost my appetite not just for food but even for the things that usually interest me. Couple this with my f*cked-up hormones because of the thyroid condition I always had, I sank into mild anxiety even the people closest to me knew nothing about. It was hard to talk about it, as there is that thin line between heartbreak and depression that some people interchange the two. Heartbreak—to most people—is petty.

I am not really the type who cries to friends and because of that, they don’t check up on me that often (I don’t know if that’s good or bad). I learned to just fend for myself. I allowed myself enough time to mourn. To be lonely. By experience, denial can only make matters worse, so when I’m sad, I am sad. I don’t say I’m okay when I’m not. I don't go convincing myself that I'm over it because the thought of the breakup still makes me sad. There are times that even if I feel like crying, I just can’t.

But when it starts to hurt too much, I pray.

While I know that it’s been months since and I have successfully moved forward, there are moments of weakness when I still feel angry when I think about it. I absolutely hate feeling angry because I don’t want to think that I feel so because I still have feelings for the person. You know how they say that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy? More than anything, I wanted to be apathetic than hateful.

Perhaps because of my instinctive tendency to love myself more, I didn’t reach the point that I let all the hurt and anger eat me. No way will I let this destroy me. A wound won’t heal if you keep touching it so that must’ve helped as I don’t talk about the person or what I feel to anybody. At least not every waking hour. Gradually, I got numb and just went on with my life. While a part of me was crumbling, the other part has never been so strong. It's amazing how much strength I have to just go on.

I managed to cope with the collapse of the relationship and redirected my anxiety to something that would benefit me more. For one, I started writing again, something that I have abandoned for a time. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It made me realize that I am capable of channeling my negative feelings to something positive. In the end, it’s more about the fact that even if it’s not a competition, I want to be the one who wins the breakup. That in the end, self-love prevails. I don’t want to give my ex the satisfaction of thinking he destroyed me because he didn’t. No way.

Life is going well and it’s treating me right. Guess I won.