If I would be candid and downright honest about it, I don’t think I’d ever get to procreate. I mean, my OB-Gyne (Don't correct me—that’s how we call it before) never said it’s impossible even with just one ovary (I had a laparotomy in 2018), but I know it’s improbable because I don’t know a guy I’m remotely attracted to at the moment enough to get jiggy with. Unless of course, Chris Evans knocks at my door and we — *clears throat*
I have made peace with this. I may regret it someday, but as of now, I have accepted my fate. I realized, God has His plans for everybody. It just so happens that His grand plan for me didn’t include me having little ones coming out of my sexy (ulk!) body.
I’m lucky because my parents seem to have also accepted it a long time ago. They never—not even once—pressured me (or any of us, really) to go and “propagate”. There was even a time when we thought our folks would die without having any apo, as both I and my older brother never marry.
Albeit without the badgering of my parents, there will always be the nosy people who can’t stop themselves from sticking their noses in other’s business. They’re the ones that would go: “Bigyan mo na ng apo ang mga magulang mo!” (Give your parents grandchildren!), to which I answer it then with a pasted-on smile that actually looked more like someone’s face when constipated. To tell you the truth I have wrung a lot of these people’s necks in my head.
When I was a lot younger, some people predicted that I’d have kids at a young age just because they always see me then in the company of guy friends.
“Maagang mabubuntis 'yan!” (She'd get pregnant at an early age!)
Do they seriously think I was sleeping with all those guys? Que horror. Good thing I have never given anyone the dirty finger, ever, but yeah—I would want to flip-off every one who ever thought and said that.
***
It’s a good thing my younger brother stepped up to the task and gave my parents two beautiful grandchildren. It was almost into the homestretch since he’s in his mid-thirties when he had his firstborn and my parents were already approaching their seventies. Even so, it definitely made our lives so much better and worthwhile. For one, I became an aunt. And as far as good aunts go, I am the best.
Before having my nephews, I absolutely know nothing about childcare. I never had any training or practice growing up taking care of babies or children as my younger cousins who live in the same house are just about four to six years younger than me. Perhaps I was not trusted by the adults because I was a child myself.
Up until I had my first nephew, I was totally clueless that I don’t even know how to properly carry a baby. Ask my kumares how I refuse to carry my own goddaughter during her baptism out of fear that I might drop her.
But I have always been told that some mammalian females will have maternal responses and instincts whether she bore the child or not. That I shouldn’t worry about mucking things up because if I have it, I will just know. I never believed it then, but I do now.
When I had my first nephew, Gavin, it was love at first sight. That is, even if he was a small baby with jaundice who spent his first days at NICU. It broke my heart the first time I saw him crying with an IV drip chamber taped in his frail arms. At that moment, I was willing to switch places with him so he would be spared from the pain. He may be just a couple of days old, but I know right then and there that I will love that little baby forever.
This goes the same when my younger nephew, Liam, came three years later.
And just like what people have said about maternal instinct (myth or not), mine came out naturally. I was able to take care of my nephews, almost primal and instinctual. I never thought for a second that I’d get to contribute in the child-rearing considering my lack of experience around kids. I didn’t even know I possess any capability.
Even with a full-time job, I always make it a point to look after my nephews as much as I could. I make sure I spend a lot of time with them. While I didn’t trump on my sister-in-law’s divine role as their mother, I can definitely say that I am as caring, nurturing and loving as a parent.
More than anything, I just wanted to be the aunt I wish I had when I was a little.
***
I always say this, those two little boys got me wrapped around their teeny fingers.
Gone are the days when coming from the mall would mean I have shopping bags full of stuff for myself because right now, I spend more time in the kids and toy section than in the women’s section. It isn’t even hard to spend for them and set aside my own needs. Like how I can wear old clothes as long as my nephews will have new ones.
I had it tough as a child so I try as much not to let them experience the same. I not only spoil them with the material things that are reasonable and that I can afford, but I also let them experience a lot of things and have fun. We go to playgrounds, arcades, museums, parks, etc. I let them join activities I never even had when I was a kid like Halloween Trick or Treatin’ or Easter Egg hunts.
I haven’t been on a real date in a while now, because my weekends are spent with the two of them on tow. And it’s funny when a friend pointed out that at least these little guys will never break my heart and will always adore me. Good point.
I take their pictures as I wanted to have as many memories of them. Someday, I know they will thank me for it.
I had changed from a woman wearing stilettos and fashionable clothes holding a tiny handbag, to someone with hair up in a messy bun, in running shoes, carrying a big bag with diapers, feeding bottles and baby wipes inside.
I flood my Facebook and Instagram with my nephews’ pictures because seeing them makes me happy. I tell people anecdotes and funny stories about them.
I always tell the boys, in the simplest way I could, that the blood running through their veins is also my blood because their papa is my brother. I wanted them to realize as they get older that even if they didn’t come from me, that I love them more than “blood-running-through-veins” monologue can ever explain.
For most people, I am the best tita because I am known to spoil the kids. They always say the boys are lucky to have me as their aunt, not only because I have no children of my own (therefore I can shower all my love to them), but also because they know of my capacity to love.
What they didn’t know is that I can also be, to a small degree, fearsome when it comes to disciplining them. Both my nephews are scared of me when I get angry because they know they’ll gonna get it. Some misbehaviors are just too much for me to tolerate and it surprised me that I turned out to be like my mom after all. I do scold them and hit them sometimes, only because I want them to grow up to be good people.
The good thing is that even if I can be the formidable “sungit” tita, they remain close and sweet to me. Always Tita Vayie this, Tita Vayie that. The younger one is particularly clingy.
So, sure, I may never be a mother. And some people might mock me contemptuously and say that I am incomplete as a woman, but because of these two boys, my life had been given meaning and purpose. God may not have planned it that I bring life to this world, but He made sure that I will be part of sustaining life and love to two boys.
If my nephews grow up to be good men who acknowledge what I did for them that in return, love me back until such time I’m old and gray, then I will die contented and complete.
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