Levels

I’d like to think years of one’s life as “levels” in a game. The higher the level, the higher the character progress — every level unlocked, the more badass you become. When you think of years as levels, it can take off that terrifying feeling one would normally have as he or she approaches another birthday. Your age — to put it simply, becomes some badge of honor.

I am about to unlock Level 43 of life in a few days. As far as badasses go, I think I have paid my dues and can already consider myself much better than when I was younger in handling whatever life hurls at me. I am at a point where I am the best version of myself.

For one, I stopped giving a f*** about many things. People who knew me since my early twenties can vouch that I was one who worries, complains and reacts too much about practically everything. I tend to burden myself with trivial things that don’t matter; I get triggered by current issues, social media posts, perceived inconveniences, and off-putting remarks.

Now, I hardly react impulsively. Even if I have an opinion on most things, I learned that it’s not always necessary to let people know about it. I have gotten calmer and more at peace with things that would otherwise provoke me before. I hardly participate in casual debates and arguments because I feel it’s no longer worth my time and energy. I’m getting too old for drama and petty issues.

On the contrary, while I may not volunteer my thoughts and views that much anymore (especially on social media platforms), but I developed a shorter wick when it comes to dealing with people with an attitude. Now more than ever, I have no reservations when calling out belligerent drivers, rude service crew, nasty coworker, etc. 

Let’s just say that I now know when to shut up as much I know when to speak up.

Like, how just recently, I confronted an officemate who told a friend of mine that I applied for a newly-opened position but didn’t make it. She even had the nerve to assume why I *didn’t* get it. If this happened to me before, I would just have chuckled it, to keep the peace, especially that the rumor wasn’t true anyway (not true as in I haven’t applied for any position for about four years now). But now I can’t seem to let something malicious like that to pass without me telling her that it’s not okay.

This may sound arrogant, but I also stopped striving to be liked. I have accepted that no matter what good I do, there will always be people who won’t like me. By taking this to heart, I stopped doing the extra mile just to please others. With it, I no longer need to explain myself all the time.

For most of my life, all I wanted was to get along with everybody. I cared so much how people see me, so I put up with a lot of things including bad behavior and treatment towards me. I even compromised my own beliefs and values in the process. When I hit forty, that went away. I have stopped making all the adjustments just to get other people’s approval. It has become more of love me or hate me and whichever they choose is just fine with me.

I have distanced myself from a lot of people who no longer serve me. I’ve learned to set boundaries because I finally now know what I want and what I deserve. After all, I always believed that how you are treated by people depends on what you allow them. Right now, the total number of people taking advantage of me is reduced to zero.

Don’t mistake these realizations as apathy. If for anything, it made me value the people who matter, however few. I nurture the real relationships I have remaining;  I have realized the importance of quality over quantity especially when it comes to friendship. I may have very few friends but I know that they are the best.

Not giving too much f*** made me more forgiving; to not hold grudges against people who wronged me. I no longer dwell on the things I lost—or of the past. When one accepts that people and things change, gratitude is easier.

Almost instantly, I have also become more forgiving of myself. I used to beat myself up for all the mistakes and failures I have in the past, including the wrong people I let in my life. That’s the thing about forgiveness: If you can forgive other people, you become as compassionate to yourself. It can become a part of one’s self-healing.

I also no longer compare myself to others and have accepted that we live different lives and timelines. That we have different priorities and opportunities. In reality, no one can really dictate how one should live another’s life. Some marry by 25, others by 45; some can get their dream jobs at 30, while some start their own business by 60. If I time my life based on how my contemporaries are doing, I would only be resenting my own existence. It’s also good to know that not everything I see on Facebook and IG is real and must be envied. After all, most of us post only the good stuff we want others to see.

But the most surprising lesson I learned about the accumulation of years is the understanding that I still have a lot to learn  — as opposed to what others think that age gives you the superciliousness of being an insufferable know-it-all. If for anything, getting by these levels humbled me a great deal. I have become more self-aware to realize I wasn’t the hotshot that I thought I was—and that it’s okay.

While being forty doesn’t make me an expert about life in general, it’s good that I’m learning a lot as I go through my fourth decade. Every year there’s something I view differently and it’s refreshing.

I believe that aging, so much so like death, is a debt we all pay. One day the physical and physiological changes will get the best of me. Time will come when I can no longer use the phrase“Older and wiser” any more than “Older and weaker”. Maybe when my cognitive deterioration starts, I’d probably morph to the grumpiest version of myself.

But until then, unlocking levels doesn’t sound that bad, right?