I'm holding up — I think.

As much as I want to update this blog often enough, I was hoping I could talk about something other than the quarantine and the pandemic. It’s been 70 days since the initial lockdown and every day when I go online to read or watch the news, all I see is the growing frustration and helplessness. Then again what is there to write about other than how I go about my quarantine days, right? Besides, if I get out of this pandemic alive, I would regret it so if I didn’t document it.

The ECQ extension is until the end of this month, making it the world’s longest Covid-19 lockdown. We have not succeeded in flattening the curve though, which made many questioned if putting our lives on hold for more than two months was even worth it.

Let us not forget the blunders of the Health Secretary himself, that we’re on the second wave and how, according to him, there is no evidence of asymptomatic infections. Que horror.

To save my sanity, I have grown apathetic; almost devoid of concern for whatever it is that’s happening. When this all began, people wait every 4PM to check the number of new cases and the total for the day. My friends and I would even post updates on our group chat. Now, we just don’t look at it anymore. All we know is that it’s to the tune of almost 15,000 (and that’s just the confirmed and not the cumulative positive individuals which is more than 21,000).

Almost everyone I know, except my nephews, is showing signs of anxiety in varying levels.

I have my episodes of anxiety too. Like how I hardly look at myself in the mirror these days because I don’t want to see my quarantine bod with all the junk in all the wrong places. You know what a nosy female neighbor said to me when she saw me during one of the few times I went out of the house? That I’ve gained so much weight that I’m already, in her own words — “bilog” (round). Imagine using a shape to describe you? If only it wouldn’t be in bad taste, I would have gone crazy just like Pumbaa when the hyenas called him “chubby” (or “Mr. Pig” in the 1994 version) on the movie The Lion King. 

Also, instead of glowing like everyone else for having more time for self-care since we’re on quarantine, I feel so ugly that I haven’t taken a decent selfie in more than two months. Thankfully, my skin is clear because I haven’t had makeup in weeks, but my hair is dry and frizzy because I always tie it up in a bun even while it’s still semi-wet — that’s going against the cardinal rule of hair care.

Then there’s that worrying about a lot of things and I’m quite good at it. When the news about the Meralco bill shock came out at the beginning of the month, it caused me so much stress. Remember it was I who pay our electric bill monthly so the possibility of getting slapped with a due amount times three or four of what I usually pay is enough to make me lose sleep at night.

Good thing I got the bill today, and while it’s higher than the usual, it’s not as bad as I would have imagined. Definitely not like someone I know who got a 29K bill when usually it’s just around five to six thousand pesos a month.

Another proof on how stressed I am these days? Sleep paralysis. I haven’t had this in more than a decade until last night. It’s when I knew I was awake because I can see everything around the room, but I couldn’t move or even make a sound. It can be pretty scary especially when there are hallucinations; I can see my two nephews standing at the foot of my bed knowing very well that they’re sleeping next door.

I can go on and on with everything that’s making it all difficult for me now but I’d rather leave all of my raw and unfiltered views on my Twitter account (which I tentatively set in public) and let this blog remain just what it is. A journal.

I’m holding up, I think. Because I have no other choice but to ride this out.