I just want peace

I wanted to write this without talking about a specific person, without giving away any hint for the very few who knew me well enough to have an idea who it was being referred to. Not when I have succeeded in not talking about the hurt and the pain that was, even to the ones closest to me. The reason why I think this was the first time I  ever wrote about it because it’s hard to speak of it when I can’t even name the person behind my narrative. 

I may have a temper, but it would really take so much for me to get so mad as hell at someone enough to really pretend they never existed. In very rare times this happens, it could be that the person used up all the chances I gave, exploited my kindness, and abused my forgiveness. It’s never cool to be taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, or just being treated unfairly. Especially when, with God as my witness, I did not deserve such. 

I consider myself clever; stated that I have been with so many people that I know a person’s intentions even before they reveal it. But every now and then, despite myself, I’d end up being fooled by the very person I unfortunately trusted…and loved. 

There were red flags but I ignored it. How silly of me, right? Just like instincts, red flags are there for a reason, but some of us chose to pay no attention. I guess the problem with me, one of my many character flaws actually, is that I see a person the way I want to see them. Call it the Padmae/Amidala syndrome, the “there’s good in him” justification. 

Of course, for the longest time, I had every bit of resentment and bitterness from that experience. When he was cornered, he didn’t even try to make it right for me. Funny how he made promises he himself broke: “I meant it at the time”, he said dismissively. And if that wasn’t bad enough, all he did after that had every intention to mock me.

I didn’t get an apology from him, but I kinda figured long ago that I would never ever get one when he sees nothing wrong with what was done. A simple sorry—while it would not change what happened, may have at least cushioned the hurt, but even that was denied to me. 

For a while, I went as far as invoking the karma that person deserved, because while I may not get the retribution I hoped for, then it’s comforting to think that something cosmic will do that for me. I don’t necessarily wish for harm to come to him, just an inevitable consequence that would make him think that maybe, just maybe, he had it coming because of what was done to me. 

But after some time, after more than a year to be exact, I was able to process my feelings. I learned to let go of the grudge after realizing how unhealthy it was. Tony Stark said so: resentment is corrosive, and having too much of it is eating me up from the inside. If all I think of are the indiscretions and the betrayal from someone who’s no longer in my life, I’ll only end up draining myself. I am never gonna be ready for another relationship. If I continue to harbor a desire for revenge, I will never have peace. 

I have forgiven the person without him even asking for it. It was extremely difficult but I had to do it owing to the fact that forgiving him is also forgiving myself for all my moments of weakness and vulnerability for believing in him. He had taken away so many things from me and I won’t allow him to take away my inner quiet and happiness.

Good thing I have long removed myself from the dark place and chose to just think of it as another tough lesson learned. I’m so over it that if one day, however unlikely, we see each other somewhere, I think I can be civil and casual with him. 

Closure comes from acceptance, not answers. Thing is, life goes on. We should all move forward.