There is this post going around on FB where the user has posted a conversation between her and a relative. The auntie (I supposed—coz she said “ante”) messaged the user to lend her P30,000 so she can have a baptismal/birthday party. The user, who was quite gracious considering the reason for the sudden “catch-up”, said that she didn’t have that much and instead offered P10,000. The auntie replied that 10K is only enough for a lechon, so she went on and haggled for 25K.
The user later said that she can lend 13K at most, and even added that she’d no longer ask to pay it back as it would be her gift to the kid who will be baptized. The user politely explained that she also has her own obligations and can only lend her as much.
Things went south as the aunt started to accuse the user of being selfish and even wished her bad karma in the end for not lending her the amount she wanted. Seriously, I can’t even begin to describe the audacity because you have to read the entire conversation to see it for yourself.
The surprising part of it all, based on the updates, is how some of the relatives even sided with the aunt.
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We all heard stories of toxic family members and relatives. Some of us are unfortunate enough to experience it firsthand.
Growing up, it was instilled in us that family loyalty is a big deal. We were taught to respect our elders no matter what. That we shouldn’t question them or go against them in any way. If we have strong opinions that we wanted to voice out, they’d tell us to better keep it to ourselves for the sake of (insert the name of an elderly family here). That we should mince our words and be careful so we won’t hurt their feelings. After all, it is expected of us to take care of aging relatives, get along with everybody, and keep the peace as much as we can.
But when you think about it, respect is a two-way street. Think of how they have no problem saying cheap shots that are particularly hurtful but they get offended when we do what they do. They’re quick to call you “bastos” or “walang modo” for speaking out. They thought just because they are family, we are supposed to take it all in without them even realizing they’re being abusive and damaging.
You’ll always have that one relative who did nothing but subtly criticize you for your life choices. How about that aunt who would give biting remarks about your relationship status (or in my case, the lack of it)? There will always be that one cousin who’d only remember you if they needed a favor or something. I even have this uncle who would pit us with his children and compare our appearance, status, achievements, etc. without considering that it sets up resentment between cousins.
It’s funny how three hundred years of Spanish influence could still be seen in most Filipino families today if we talk about class differences. Have you noticed how rich relatives are being treated like royalty by everyone else? Like they all suck up to the ones who got money and influence? My kuya remembers this one time when he came to a family event many years ago and got almost ignored, all while the host had been looking for the well-off relatives who did not even bother to show up.
Over the years, it’s something that my older brother and I realized. No one—not even an older relative—has the right to mistreat us. For this reason, we have no qualms about speaking up. When you think about it, how was it okay for an older cousin to undermine, gaslight, and bully us especially when all of us are adults now? When was it acceptable for an uncle to say within my earshot that perhaps the reason why I am still single is because I’m an insufferable person?
I’ve learned to distance myself from toxic relatives because that is self-care. I’m simply refusing to deal with the toxicity. Over time, I have learned to detach myself from them and not be bothered by their actions. I mean, if I don’t get invited to get-togethers whether it’s on purpose or not, and they can gloat all they want how wonderful it was, I don’t even feel bad anymore. Frankly, we don’t have that many family traditions that are worth the anxiety and distress especially when most of the people who came up with those silly traditions had passed on.
I’d rather invest my time in other family members and relatives, no matter how few, who treat me equally and with respect. I will always have their back because they are as dependable. I’m not about to please the others just so I won’t be left out on events and get-togethers.
Here’s the thing: It wouldn’t make you a bad person to cut-off with toxic family members or relatives. It can be sad but it is necessary. Situations require it. No one is worth the depression and anxiety.
Cutting from them is also protecting the next generation from being exposed to this kind of family dynamic. I wouldn’t want my nephews to be treated the same way we were treated and thinking it’s all okay because it was done by family. I’m putting my foot down by letting them know what is acceptable or not.
You know what they say—the one they call the “black sheep of the family” is actually the only one who sees through everyone else’s bulls**t.
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