Dynamics

Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash

This had been sitting on my drafts for quite sometime now and I’ve been holding off posting this on my blog. See, if I could avoid it, I don’t like to embroil myself again over things that I write and post online. 

But I had to say this piece. I’m tired of trying not to offend the same people who had no qualms about offending me.

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Sometimes blood relatives can be the most critical and toxic people you’ll ever meet. Over the years, I’ve learned to deal with them by not dealing with them. Never mind if some see me as aloof and a stuck-up, as I stopped caring on how I am perceived by other people anyway—relatives included. I figured, no matter what I do, if I’m not liked then I will never be liked. 

My attitude towards such people is more for self-preservation. I thought, if I’m more effacing, then they won’t bother me. The less they know about what’s happening to me, the lesser they have saying something about it.

As I’ve said in this post, we grew up in the disadvantaged side of the family. Most of our relatives may not be rich but they had it better. And whether they admit or not, some of them (not all) made clear of that gap as we were treated differently when we were kids. We seemingly belong, yet not the same way as the others in the family. Sometimes when my brothers and I would look back, we are reminded of the unfair treatment we experienced from some uncles, aunts and older cousins. Some of which, they might not realize, were very hurtful. 

But I guess we just accepted such family dynamics as they were. We were taught to respect the elders, no matter what. My father did little to stand his ground and speak up for us, as he’s not really confrontational. Perhaps he placed higher values on peace and harmony than resorting to conflict, or maybe he’s just afraid to burn bridges especially that we live with our relatives. And as the wise quote goes, you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. 

And for this reason as we got older, we tried very hard to get out from that so we will not be at the mercy of our relatives. Slowly, we managed to make things better somewhat, able to afford a few things. While we aren’t still considered “moneyed” or financially successful, at least we come a long way from how we were. 

Most of the older relatives had passed on, including my dad, and all that remains are my older cousins so we vowed that we are not going to be pushed around anymore. Mistreatment, especially with my nephews, will not be tolerated. I actually hoped that since we’re already the next generation, that we should put a stop on the toxic approach of our elders but it’s funny how some of my older cousins still follow the same pattern. 

This is why we tell the kids to always be in their best behavior. Some relatives can go that low that they’ll even involve or criticize the innocent kids when they have issues with the kids’ parents. Even at a young age, we educate them by teaching them what is acceptable and what is not so they wouldn’t have to put up with it like we did. We tell them the importance of self-worth and standing up for oneself. We tell them that there will be times they might feel excluded or they may hear upsetting words about them and that’s okay because we are here for them.

When playing with their cousins, for example, I always tell them not to touch their toys and stuff unless it was lent to them. Some parents are so particular with this. My nephews were taught to share what they have so it pains me when they aren’t treated the same. My kuya, in particular, can be quite vengeful when this happens and ends up buying nice things for the boys, so they won’t be left out. “Ginawa na sa atin, gagawin pa sa mga pamangkin ko?” (They did it to us, they’ll do it to my nephews too?)    

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Nothing irks me more than those relatives who’d see the faults of others, but not the ugly and unpleasant things happening in their own “yard”. There’s this one who thinks everything about their family is peachy keen, so they thought they have all the right to criticize others. What they don’t know is word gets around and “the tea” also reaches us, so we know basically what’s been going on with them, and it’s also not pretty. The only difference is that I was never the type to talk about other people. When a rumor/news reaches me for example, I don’t ask for further details. I just don’t. I’m always told I’m no fun because I hardly react or comment when a gossip is passed to me. Whenever I hear rumors within family, I usually ignore them. My take on it was, I don’t care how others live their lives when I have mine to worry about. I’m also counting on the fact that since I’m not nosy or prying, then they will give me the same courtesy. 

But that’s not the case. Some of them still can’t stop themselves from sticking their noses into our personal affairs. It ticks me off when I hear them talking about my family, or even about another relative. When you hear how they talk about others, you’d think they have the most perfect family. They love to spotlight the faults of someone while praising a family member in contrast. 

Ang sarap sabihin, O eh di ikaw na! 

They will pit their children against other relatives, as if there’s a contest to begin with: Who has the better job, who has been to more countries, who has cuter kids, who has more money, etc. And make it seem that they’ll always win in this imagined competition. What they don’t realize is that this can cause resentment between the people being compared, even if they don’t have any issues with each other to begin with.    

How was it that they have a lot of things to say when they’re not even involved? Why would their opinion matter if they’re only looking at one side of the story? 

The irony is that people who like to meddle in other people’s affairs don’t like it when someone meddles in theirs. 

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Another thing that gets under my skin are the off-handed, condescending comments. I have this aunt who I don’t see very often who’d greet me with, “Huy, panay ang check-in niyo sa hotel ha!” (Wow, you always stay at hotels huh?) or “panay ang kain niyo sa labas ha!” (You always eat/dine out huh?) — like their family doesn’t do it too. And before you argue that it might be an innocuous comment, trust me it isn’t. She’s really hinting at something and does this every single chance she gets. I mean, so what if we do? Even that is an issue to them now?

Jeez, we’re not even bragging, because there’s really nothing to brag about having simple staycations or eating out. The very few times I post about our small family events, we’d get such patronizing comments as if they’re saying, wow, you can afford such things already? — and that can lead to remembering old pains and memories of the time when we don’t have much. 

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It is so frustrating because who doesn’t want to just get along with everybody? But some of my relatives are making it hard that sometimes you’d rather not exchange pleasantries when you’ll still hear nasty things said about you or other people afterwards. 

And they wonder now why I’m somewhat distant. Suplada daw ako. Hindi makabati. Being distant is my protective bubble. They villainize me yet they didn’t realize it was how they were to me that made me like this. What’s the point of fighting preconceived notions about me? 

They say you can’t choose family, but you can choose how you let them treat you. It is maturity to steer clear from the toxic relatives. I don’t have to attend every single gathering, or interact with some of them. I don’t have to get along with people I share the same bloodline and last name if they don’t respect me enough not to say bad things about me or my family behind my back. I don’t have to tolerate people who judge my choices and decisions. I refuse to be manipulated and controlled by the elders as if they’re always right. 

And if this is how I am only because I’m trying to avoid stress, conflict and misunderstanding, I know that can’t be wrong.