Let me weep

Ugly Crying: The inner me right now

I’m getting tired of slaving to hold up to that independence and self-reliance expectations from a single woman like me. I want to go back to the time when I wasn’t earning my own money and just be at the mercy of my parents for allowance. Or maybe just to that time when some people would not rely on me too much when it comes to money.

Because fluff it—no one warned me that it’s going to be this hard.

I know people won’t be interested in my moaning about my money troubles, but I just have to let this all out.

See we all experience financial stress at some point or another, except of course if you were lucky enough to be born moneyed then you can skip this and carry on enjoying your charmed life. Only someone who experienced (and is currently experiencing) this would understand what I’m about to say now.

I am forever thankful I have a job that pays me good. I will be on my 14^th year in my current company, and I owe a lot to them when it comes to being able to provide for myself and my family all these years. But sometimes a well-paying job isn’t enough when you have expenses that come in like clockwork.

No one can really say that I’m having these troubles because I have questionable spending habits (anyone who says this deserves a hard smack on the face from me). The thing is, whoever is given the same responsibility to pay so many things would find themselves financially inept with the overwhelming money woes. 

The past few months had been particularly challenging. A large chunk of my salary goes to paying bills. Our electric bills, for instance, is on an all-time high. The very few times I’d remind people at home to take it easy on our electricity use (I mean, I don’t tell them to stop using the AC or the electric fans in this infernal weather, just the other appliances that consumes electricity), somehow, they find my “gentle” reminder hurtful. When the bill comes in and I show it to them—they ignore me. It’s just like them saying I should just shut up and pay it. It’s a good thing my older brother helps me out, as he’s the only one who does, perhaps because he goes through the same thing as we are the only ones working in the household.

But it’s not just the electric bill, there’s still my other obligations like other utilities, groceries, medical (for my maintenance meds), mom’s allowance, house repairs, credit card/cellphone/subscription bills, etc. Thankfully, I don’t get penalized for the loans I took precisely because I manage to pay it all on time (my credit score is divine). It’s just that, my take-home pay— or the money that is left for me after everything’s deducted—frustrates me. It would often leave me scratching my head and ask, “Where did it all go? How was it that I have work but this is the only money left for myself?”. It’s like walking in a tightrope penny-pinching until the next payday, which I feel is somewhat of an injustice for me because after all I am the one earning the money. I don’t even have enough set aside for my savings. God forbid, if something happens to me, I’ll be in deep trouble.  

Lately, I’m not having any of that giddy payday feeling because of the seemingly never-ending cycle of paying everything and being left with so little for myself. Nothing’s funny about looking for ways to stretch all that remains until the next payday. It’s getting to be an ongoing crisis and I don’t know how long this will go on. 

I’m not being selfish, but sometimes I wish I don’t have this many responsibilities in my shoulders; not when I’m alone in life and no one to depend on. Women that are of the same age as me may have bigger worries, but at least most of them has a significant other to help them. I don’t have that. I wish some people will realize this before they demand so much from me. When I think about it now, the same people don’t even thank me. It would make so much difference if they appreciate me at least.

Sometimes I think, had I known that it will be like this for me, I could have had gotten married or had chosen to lived independently. If I were a lot younger, probably that’s something I would do. 

Too bad I’m in too deep. And it’s too late.