IDGAF era

Photo by rachel on Unsplash

When my brother expressed his disappointment towards a problematic relative recently (over something she said), I reminded him that we’re already at that age where we should just ignore such people and not be bothered by them. I told him it’s useless to feel bad or hurt because, almost always, feelings like resentment and rage can only lead to chronic stress.

Besides, most people are just awful.

I know this because I was once a person who believed, for the longest time, that people will treat me how I treat them. It doesn’t matter if it will take them years to realize it, I just have to wait for it.

Yup. I cared too much about what other people said or do to me. I sought their approval.

***

If there’s one regret that will always eat me when I think about it, is how I gave so much of my precious time and energy to people who don’t deserve it. I feel that I have wasted so many years of my life for them. 

I guess we’ll never realize this when we’re young thinking that we have all the years ahead to squander. What’s five years when you’re 20? What’s another ten years?

Not until age creeps up on you and you go, sh*t, I’m not young anymore. Only then do you want to kick yourself for being so damn naïve for allowing people to push you around.

***

It also didn’t help that I have the “Queen Amidala syndrome”—of seeing the good even in a rather terrible person. I was a believer in giving people who wronged me the benefit of the doubt. Allowing them to do the right thing. I was too accepting of people’s flaws. Oftentimes to a fault. 

I don't want to die believing this on some people.

Until I came to my senses and realized that five, ten, fifteen years later, the dissonance remain. I finally accepted that we can’t expect people to be what we want them to be and that most of the time, it’s our expectations that disappoint us.

That relative will always look down on us—no matter how far we’ve become from how we were. Kahit anong mabuti pa ang ipakita ko sa kanila, hindi na magbabago ang trato nila sa akin.

That man will never treat me right even if  I cry tears of blood. He will continue to gaslight me and will inundate me with fake love and affection to make up for it.

So why bother? I’m so over and done caring; now that I’m in my IDGAF era. 

You didn’t invite or include me? That’s okay.

You think I’m beneath you? That’s alright.

You are gaslighting me? Let me step away.

Frankly, I’m not hurt anymore.

***

I remember telling my mom many years ago, while she was haranguing us over something, that I will never be a nag like her.

Maybe she knew that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, she scoffs: “Akala mo lang `yun! Tignan natin!” (“That’s what you think. We’ll see.”)

True enough, I turned out to be a nag. It’s my toxic love language because I only nag people I genuinely care for. I make sure I let my feelings known. I texted long paragraphs when I’m upset because I had to get it off my chest. I had to explain to be understood (which was funny because I just saw this Tiktok video on how long DMs from a woman are a sign of love). Of course, for the other person, they only see it as me being difficult and a nag. 

But sometimes talking and explaining too much (especially through long DMs) only made me look needy and pathetic, if nothing I said penetrates the person. I only sound like a broken record having to point out the same issues on different days. 

Not anymore. I’m in my IDGAF era. 

All I do is wrong to you? Enjoy the silence.