Our president has now signed the law (Safe Spaces Act) that penalizes catcalling, misogynistic and sexist slurs, unwanted sexual comments and advances, and other forms of sexual harassment. It’s quite ironic coming from someone who himself is guilty of such but, hey, I can talk about that some other time but for now—I’ll take it.
Now that it’s already a law, the next question is—would it be easy to implement considering that the offenses are vaguely-defined? Or is it actually more complicated than you think?
I mean, it’s easier to slap this law to some guy who whistles at you while you were walking down the street because you don’t have to consider anything other than perhaps your personal safety. But what about to a coworker or a guy you know who’s somehow crossing the line already?
Guys who are called out often respond with the overused excuse: “Nagbibiro lang naman ako!” and for them, that’s enough for a woman to just accept and let it go. In my case, for example, I wouldn’t want to be known as someone who can’t take a joke especially when I’m neither sexually conservative nor prude. I can take green jokes and we can talk about sexual topics in a non-judgmental atmosphere but does being open to this mean I’m asking for it?
I found myself in this situation again with someone just recently. I know, right? I thought that with my age no guy will even dare anymore.
It started with casual teasing which was okay at first, but he got too familiar he started putting his arm around my shoulders, hands around my waist, sit so closely next to me while giving me a creepy backrub. Later on, it escalated to naughty jokes and comments and was just saying a lot of inappropriate things the entire time. While it wasn’t very sexual, it’s definitely not totally innocent. It made me feel icky.
The thing is if I seriously confront him about it (I told him numerous times to stop), he might dismiss it as nothing but an innocuous remark or behavior. That he was just joking and making fun. I was scared that if I square up to him, he’d snapped back, “Hindi kita type no! Feelingera mo naman!”
Many years ago, I have this married coworker who was making a pass on me. At first, I ignored it as we belong to a big group of office barkada and I was afraid that our common friends would say that I was making a big deal out of it. For a while, I took all his uncomfortable compliments and show of admiration politely because I thought that’s all there is to it.
Diplomacy didn’t work because he went on as far as wanting to have a relationship. Again, he’s a family man so the idea for me was ridiculous, to say the least. Still thinking about what other people might say, I decided to just stay away from him than deal with it head-on.
He didn’t like this, that he even had the nerve to confront me about it and then told everyone that I was the one leading him on. It ended up dividing our group, to people who empathized with me and backed me up and another group who believed him and thought I was being petty and “maarte”. If that wasn’t enough, a female friend—of all people—said: “Para `yun lang?” after knowing that I got deeply upset over it.
Victim-blaming, people.
The thing is, instinctively, I thought I knew how to protect myself. That I would know what to do or say when it happens to me. That I have prepared witty but harsh counters to spew at the offender’s face. After all, I can be very feisty and can very well hold my own when needed. But the truth is nothing can prepare me for it when it happened. I was just too shocked to respond. I didn’t know what to do and say the very moment it was happening to me.
It’s harder if the offense is done by someone I know personally. I tend to overthink my reaction until I end up not giving any solid response to make it known I was not pleased at all.
No response, to some, meant that it’s okay.
Like how giving me a compliment does not offend me at all. But complimenting me while there is invasive visual behavior (lifted eyebrow, tongue sticking out, wolfish smile, etc.) is when it gets offensive. It all boils down to one’s gut feel.
Guy friends can put their arms around my shoulder or hug me or give me a peck on the cheek and I won’t even mind. But when my inner voice starts telling me something’s not right, then I should trust it. We were given the instinct to sense when it’s not okay anymore.
Hopefully this law becomes somewhat of a deterrent, something that would caution guys to think before they say or do something.
The only thing I have yet to decide on is that if I’ll have a fight-or-flight response if it ever happens again.
This law is not just harassment in streets, public spaces and workplaces
but also includes online environments such as Facebook and Instagram. I guess I would no longer be getting as many unsolicited dick pics or insults from guys online who got hostile after turning them down.
Now that it’s already a law, the next question is—would it be easy to implement considering that the offenses are vaguely-defined? Or is it actually more complicated than you think?
I’ve experienced these many times I lost count already. Name it: catcalling, wolf-whistling, malicious gazing, even sexual advances like nonconsensual touching and groping. I admit that even if I felt violated, most of the time I end up ignoring and shrugging it off mainly because of the toxic Filipino culture of victim-blaming and shaming.
I mean, it’s easier to slap this law to some guy who whistles at you while you were walking down the street because you don’t have to consider anything other than perhaps your personal safety. But what about to a coworker or a guy you know who’s somehow crossing the line already?
Guys who are called out often respond with the overused excuse: “Nagbibiro lang naman ako!” and for them, that’s enough for a woman to just accept and let it go. In my case, for example, I wouldn’t want to be known as someone who can’t take a joke especially when I’m neither sexually conservative nor prude. I can take green jokes and we can talk about sexual topics in a non-judgmental atmosphere but does being open to this mean I’m asking for it?
***
I found myself in this situation again with someone just recently. I know, right? I thought that with my age no guy will even dare anymore.
It started with casual teasing which was okay at first, but he got too familiar he started putting his arm around my shoulders, hands around my waist, sit so closely next to me while giving me a creepy backrub. Later on, it escalated to naughty jokes and comments and was just saying a lot of inappropriate things the entire time. While it wasn’t very sexual, it’s definitely not totally innocent. It made me feel icky.
The thing is if I seriously confront him about it (I told him numerous times to stop), he might dismiss it as nothing but an innocuous remark or behavior. That he was just joking and making fun. I was scared that if I square up to him, he’d snapped back, “Hindi kita type no! Feelingera mo naman!”
Many years ago, I have this married coworker who was making a pass on me. At first, I ignored it as we belong to a big group of office barkada and I was afraid that our common friends would say that I was making a big deal out of it. For a while, I took all his uncomfortable compliments and show of admiration politely because I thought that’s all there is to it.
Diplomacy didn’t work because he went on as far as wanting to have a relationship. Again, he’s a family man so the idea for me was ridiculous, to say the least. Still thinking about what other people might say, I decided to just stay away from him than deal with it head-on.
He didn’t like this, that he even had the nerve to confront me about it and then told everyone that I was the one leading him on. It ended up dividing our group, to people who empathized with me and backed me up and another group who believed him and thought I was being petty and “maarte”. If that wasn’t enough, a female friend—of all people—said: “Para `yun lang?” after knowing that I got deeply upset over it.
Victim-blaming, people.
***
The thing is, instinctively, I thought I knew how to protect myself. That I would know what to do or say when it happens to me. That I have prepared witty but harsh counters to spew at the offender’s face. After all, I can be very feisty and can very well hold my own when needed. But the truth is nothing can prepare me for it when it happened. I was just too shocked to respond. I didn’t know what to do and say the very moment it was happening to me.
It’s harder if the offense is done by someone I know personally. I tend to overthink my reaction until I end up not giving any solid response to make it known I was not pleased at all.
No response, to some, meant that it’s okay.
***
Bawal Bastos Law may be a victory to would-be victims but we should also make sure that the law won’t be abused. If we look at the bigger picture, guys are treading a thin line here. My brothers, for instance, are particularly adulatory to the opposite sex and sometimes they throw compliments and jokes that might come off differently to some girls. I also have trusted guy friends who are used to non-sexual touching which others can mistake as inappropriate. With this law, they have to think twice as they might get themselves in trouble now. It’s all about being careful of what they say and do.
Groping, touching, kissing, hugging and sexual threat and advances are easier to spot and classify as sexual harassment, but what about the in-betweens? Besides, what constitutes a sexual offense anyway? Is it what’s generally offensive or what’s personally offensive to you? How can a remark or act be innocent to one and inappropriate for the other?
For me, if it’s unwelcome, persistent and it makes me feel uncomfortable or violated, then it’s something that should be taken seriously and it shouldn’t matter what the other party says.Groping, touching, kissing, hugging and sexual threat and advances are easier to spot and classify as sexual harassment, but what about the in-betweens? Besides, what constitutes a sexual offense anyway? Is it what’s generally offensive or what’s personally offensive to you? How can a remark or act be innocent to one and inappropriate for the other?
Like how giving me a compliment does not offend me at all. But complimenting me while there is invasive visual behavior (lifted eyebrow, tongue sticking out, wolfish smile, etc.) is when it gets offensive. It all boils down to one’s gut feel.
Guy friends can put their arms around my shoulder or hug me or give me a peck on the cheek and I won’t even mind. But when my inner voice starts telling me something’s not right, then I should trust it. We were given the instinct to sense when it’s not okay anymore.
Hopefully this law becomes somewhat of a deterrent, something that would caution guys to think before they say or do something.
The only thing I have yet to decide on is that if I’ll have a fight-or-flight response if it ever happens again.
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