When I was young, I used to tell my mom in jest that I will never, ever be a strict disciplinarian like her. That I will never nag, harp on at or hit my kids. Instead, I will be open-minded and almost overindulgent. I will be more like my “cool” dad who has a permissive parenting style.
“HA!” — she interjects with a chuckle, “Akala mo lang `yun!” (That’s what you think!)
Fast-forward to today, I realized that I did end up like her. That I am more like my mother than my father.
The apple never falls far from the tree, indeed.
At least when it comes to my nephews, there is no doubt that I am a disciplinarian. Even if I wanted to be the awesome spoiler aunt every kid would like to have, I just cannot look the other way and tolerate misbehavior.
My mere shushing and piercing stare are enough for my boys to freeze where they’re standing. In a very few times that fails, then they’re going to feel a slap to the buttocks and be made to listen to my long-winding lecture.
With my younger nephew Liam, 4, the worst case of bad behavior (such as yelling at my mom) could go as far as threatening him that I’d cut off his tongue, finger or ears. Of course it’s an empty threat, but so far it works on him.
For the older one Gavin, 8, threatening to cut off a body part is no longer effective but I can somewhat reason out to him already. Even so, he knows too well that my sudden scowl is not a good sign and that he’s going to get it if he doesn’t stop.
For this reason, if one or both kids misbehave and can no longer be controlled, everyone at home (including their dad) would call me knowing how afraid the boys are of me. Honestly, I don’t want my nephews to see me as the enemy but then again I’d rather be the bad guy, the enforcer of rules, the authority who’s all out to correct them. Someone has to do it before it’s too late.
Thing is, would I rather have other people disciplining them without us knowing because they think we’re not doing a good job at it? Of course not.
My nephews observe most of the simple rules I impose on them. Like how they know well not to touch tita’s personal things, or climb my bed when their feet are dirty, or go outside the house. These are some reminders that are totally ingrained in them that I need not remind them of.
But kids are going to be kids no matter what. Sometimes even if they know something is bad, unacceptable and wrong, they’d choose to ignore it. This is where my tough reprove comes in.
I know not everyone will agree on my fear-based approach. Most parenting books will tell me that my method might do more harm than good in the long run.
But I see it differently, my disciplining is about making boundaries and instilling values while they’re young, while I still can, while they still listen. I do what I do to correct them so that they grow up to be good people. My nephews should realize this early that they have limitations; that actions have consequences.
You can say I wish to earn respect by first instilling fear.
To be fair to me, it’s not all “don’t-do-this-or-don’t-do-that”. I don’t suck the fun at everything. It’s not me doing it just because I enjoy scaring the crap out of them. When I scold them I make sure they fully understand why their actions upset me. Why it’s not good to horse around and be rowdy in public; why it’s not nice to touch other people’s things without permission; why it’s not nice to say bad words; why they shouldn’t fight; why they’ll be in a lot of trouble if I find out they hit or bully another kid.
I am no tiger tita, I’m not being strict because I demand excellence. I will never pressure them in academics or extracurricular activities when they get older. My tough disciplining is only so both boys will grow up knowing what’s right from wrong.
I just want them to be a good person someday, nothing else.
I draw the line at swearing and cursing at them. I never spew expletive at them no matter how angry I am. Not even if I do curse about other things all the time. This is something I remind everyone else at home — even to the boys’ parents — on how that is unacceptable. I’d tell them, `pag minura niyo sila, aakalain ng ibang tao na pwede rin nilang murahin ang mga bata (If you curse at them, people will think they can also do the same to the kids).
The only thing I’m thankful for is how my nephews seem to know that at the end of the day, tita is more a friend than a foe. When my anger and frustration thaw, I can be sweet as it gets — even nurturing. That I’m generous when capable.
My nephews still go to me when they want something because they know they can approach me anytime. They unabashedly squeeze themselves in my bed; kiss and hug me when I ask them to. They know that they can trust me and be perfectly safe with me.
But time will come when they will no longer be afraid of me. In a few years, they can already discern, decide and weigh things on their own. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they will have a rebellious streak (hey—we share the same genes!), but hopefully when that time comes they will remember all what I’ve been nagging about when they’re little. That both Gavin and Liam will see through it all and thank me because they eventually became better people.
Make no mistake, my fierce love for these boys is the only thing that trumps my rigid approach in disciplining them.
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