The Reluctant Miss

I believe I’ve mentioned in a post last year that I have an account on an online dating site. It was something I signed up for more than five years ago, highly likely out of boredom, curiosity and, yeah — maybe even out of loneliness over something I no longer recall. Sometimes you have to throw your caution to the wind and give everything a try.

I chose Filipino Cupid because it’s not location-based like Tinder where proximity is a key factor and not dominated by twenty and thirty-somethings like OkCupid. You might say it's counterproductive, but for someone who signed-up for a dating site, I’m not actually that keen to date.

I also opted for that site instead of the other dating apps because it is popular with foreigners and I like meeting people from other countries. Foreigners fascinate me; it’s interesting for me when they tell me things about their country, culture, history, food, etc. because it’s always fun to get a broader view of the world (since I’ve never been anywhere, anyway).

In short, I’m on it for all the wrong reasons.

I met this older British guy, R, on this site years ago and the reason why we initially clicked despite the 18-year age gap was because of the stories he’d tell me. He was well aware of my fondness for the Brits and even he has said that he did take advantage of that. We started out okay but it didn’t work in the long run because of incompatibility on other things. At least there was no bad blood between us as it was a mutual decision not to go further and save each other’s time.

I decided to give online dating another go as I was hoping to meet someone like R again but after a series of epic fails, coming across someone as mentally-stimulating like him is few and far between. Most of the people I meet online not only is shallow but are mostly uninteresting.

Of course, that’s just me. I am not out to burst anyone’s bubble here by dissing online dating. Online dating sites can be great; I knew of people who had success through them. However, it is not for everyone. Especially not for someone as socially awkward like me.

Even if I wasn’t all too hopeful in finding a long-term relationship there, I did make an effort in writing my personal profile and only shared decent photos (nothing risqué). If I had to put myself out there then at least I had to do it right. I want these guys to get the correct impression of me.

It’s no secret that many Filipino women are looking for a foreigner hoping it’s their ticket out of poverty (no judgment there), but I want to make sure that when these guys read my profile, they’ll know it was never my goal. Hello — my profile says I’m only interested in friends and has no plans to relocate so, go figure if I’m eyeing for a Green Card.

Still, that didn’t stop some guys from saying stupendous things like how I shouldn’t tell some sob story to get money because they’re not going to mail me a dime. One even asked, in the middle of the “getting-to-know-you” chat, a hypothetical question — if I’d be willing to sign a prenup because I have to agree that if we ever get to have a child, then he will not be responsible for it.  When I said that I won’t sign any prenup as it wouldn’t be necessary, he accused of me having “alterior” (that’s how he spelled it) motives. What the f---?!?

It made me wonder why he wants a Filipina to begin with when he obviously has a preconceived bigoted notion of us just only after their money.

I used to get easily triggered by these comments but now I’m more like, bahala ka sa buhay mo. I have also become less offended even with the bastos guys that sometimes I would just give them a clever counter worthy of a spot at ByeFelipe.

Catfishing is also another thing that’s been happening on this site. I see grainy pictures that were probably taken in the preppy `80s. Definitely misleading how it says on his profile he’s 63 but the picture looked like it was taken when he’s in his mid-thirties.

An empty personal profile is a major turn-off. I don’t reply back to guys who didn’t even bother completing theirs. Why would I even return a message from someone who isn’t willing to give a little effort in answering basic questions?

I only have a standard membership, so it means a guy who also has a standard membership can only do as much as click “Interest”, but we can’t read each other’s messages unless one of us upgrades. Because of this, I can only read messages from Gold and Platinum members of the site and I have no plans of upgrading, though.

As some paid for the upgrade, then perhaps they’re really up for it. I realized most of those who are willing to pay are the older guys in their sixties and seventies, which was kind of sad because it only means they are really counting on the site to find a lifetime partner. Also, sad — as most of the time they’re the ones taken advantage of.

Besides, I highly doubt that matching algorithms work. Every week I’d get a notification for matches that’ll leave me scratching my head because nothing about these guys matched my preference (and I don’t think I am also who they preferred). Like how I have gotten messages from guys in their seventies even if I have set my preference to 40 – 52 years old only.

Lately, I have been getting more e-mail notifications from the site than the usual. While I don’t reply to every single one, I do engage in conversations with some of them granted that their approach isn’t off. You’ll know from the start if one has potential or would end up in just hi, hello and then lose interest. Seriously, where do you expect your “hi” to get you?

I’ve been exchanging messages with a 45-year old guy from Grand Est, France. There was some language barrier but hopefully, we can get past that. I can’t say yet if there is some relationship potential as it’s still too early to tell, but it’s always best to get in without inflated expectations. If it doesn’t work, then I wouldn’t have to wrack my brains what went wrong.

I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed online dating at some point. But if you’ll ask me now, I still prefer the old-fashioned, traditional way of meeting men: through family or friends. I want to meet them in bars, writing clubs, coffee shops, in the office or even in a church. For me, there’s more thrill and anticipation in basic attraction when a guy is interested in me (and I in him) after getting acquainted personally.

With dating sites, it’s particularly hard to put myself out there only relying on if I can catch a guy’s attention through a nice picture and a lengthy, well-written personal profile. Over time, it feels like applying for a job.

If I wasn’t very successful as an online dating diva (or anything about dating), this is mainly because of my lack of trying.

However, while I’m on it, let me chill.