Crack

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

My anxiety is peeking through the crevices once again. I only had two hours of sleep last night⁠⁠—a tell-tale sign that I’m not okay. 

Prior to this pandemic, I’ve never had a serious bout with anxiety that went on for months. Back then, after wallowing for a few days or weeks at most, I’d usually just pick myself up and move on like nothing happened. 

Right now, times have changed, and “not feeling okay” is something that everyone is feeling—even for people you’ve known all your life to be well-rounded, cheery, and easy-going. In my case, I feel this more often now and it has been going on. I just don’t have the energy to do anything other than the things I had to do out of obligation.  

Speaking of which, I follow a pretty boring and tedious schedule. On weekdays, I wake up at 6 AM and prepare for work before I clock in at 7 AM. I will be sitting on my bed in front of my laptop until 4 PM, spending my short breaks bathing my younger nephew, getting a shower, and (sometimes) eating. I actually like it better when I have loads of stuff to do at work as it can be quite distracting and it makes the hours seem shorter. After clocking out, I’d sometimes go for a quick grocery run to pick up some things I need, but most of the time I’d just lie in bed and watch Netflix until late at night. 

The next day, repeat.

On Saturdays, I wake up at 7 AM for laundry. For the rest of the day before this latest lockdown, I’d go to the mall or hang out at my favorite coffee shop and fritter the hours away. Sometimes when I get lazy, I stay home the entire Saturday and just go out on Sunday, but it is important for me to go out at least once a week as that is my way of taking care of myself. Even when I was still working on-site, I’d usually walk it out after a very stressful day. Walking or sitting by myself while people-watching has always been my way of clearing mental noise.  

But now that we’re on ECQ and the Delta variant is like something straight out of a Roland Emmerich movie, I have no other choice but to stay home even on weekends. Because of my fear of getting infected and eventually spreading it, staying home is something that I’ll probably do even if the ECQ has been lifted. No matter how much I hated just boxed inside the house.

This means I have no other choice but to be on hermit mode for the entire month. There’s news that the ECQ might be extended, as we have registered 14,000+ cases the other day. I don’t know if the lockdown is helping, and I don’t think that alone can solve the problem. I feel bad for people who lost work during this two-week ECQ and yet we are still registering many cases every day. What are we doing wrong?

***

The intermittent (to almost no) WiFi signal last week didn’t help. Last Friday, I had to file an emergency leave from work because of it. I was already using my cellular data/personal hotspot for two days, considering the very small GB allocation on my phone plan. We were already advised that if this persists the office will ask me to use my leave credits instead. It isn’t fair but I don’t expect to get paid when I’m unproductive, right?

Technicians were sent to fix it and the issue was resolved. Hopefully, none of this ever happens again now that our work volume is steadily increasing (which is good, methinks). 

***

It was announced earlier this year that by next month, at least 30% of the workforce should already be back at the office as required by PEZA (Philippine Economic Zone Authority). But now there have been talks that the WFH would continue indefinitely. 

Extended WFH until the end of the year

Our company is pushing for an extended work-from-home program as they don’t want to risk employees getting infected. Not when many are still not vaccinated. It’s quite concerning that even with the very stringent protocols for employees who are working onsite (an option if the employee doesn’t have internet access at home), we have thirteen confirmed COVID-19 cases for Return-To-Office employees just last week that one of the floors had to be closed until the end of the year.

I really don’t know how to feel about it. I know that WFH has its perks, but I do miss going to the office. Then again, part of me doesn’t want to because of the rising cases of COVID even for the fully vaccinated. Also, we were told that if we do come back onsite, things will never be the same. The safety officer gave us a glimpse of what to expect once we report back to the office and it had no semblance to how we were pre-pandemic. A lot of preventive measures and safety protocols are to be observed that many of us said that we would rather work from home than go through all of that on a daily basis. 

***

Days have been quite gloomy, literally and figuratively. I’m moody, touchy, and easily annoyed. I’m also tired most of the time, with my remaining energy spent binge-watching Netflix shows and Tiktok videos, or clicking Add-to-Cart on Shopee. 

I even feel that getting myself something nice would snap me out of the funk (no matter how shallow that sounds), but I have yet to know if that would work once I buy a new phone when my contract expires next month. To be quite honest, I just don’t have much to look forward to so pardon me if I figured buying myself nice things would help me cope till the black cloud passed. 

I know I have a lot to be thankful for; waking up every day and seeing my family doing okay is already a big blessing. But I hope it doesn’t make me ungrateful when I say I feel down and out these days. A lot of us, in varying degrees, are trying our best to get through this very difficult time. I admire those who managed to thrive, but for some like me who are struggling to get by, a little bit of understanding and support won’t hurt.