Guilty Feels

Photo by Pickawood on Unsplash

I believe that materialism will never replace the joy you get from something like having a happy time with your family, watching movies with friends, talking to your boyfriend, going out for dinner with girlfriends, etc. But because we’re waiting out a pandemic and it has been affecting our mental health and overall well-being; I’m constantly looking out for ways to fight the funk. 

Lately, I enjoy getting things for myself and have been spending most of my idle hours just browsing online shopping websites. I haven’t bought any big-ticket items yet but I have a lot on my cart waiting to be ordered. Anything from shelves, glass jars, LED lamps, mattress vacuum, electric face-lift and firming device, nipple tape, multi-port wall chargers, cellphone holder, nose rings, etc. 

Thankfully, I haven’t got carried away as I can still control my spending—the kind of discipline you get using a debit card instead of a credit card. I am not about to go into heavy debt which is why I order the items one at a time. 

Not to sound defensive but it has been proven that retail therapy makes one feel happy and a lot of people resort to it to cheer themselves up. The thought of acquiring something nice for yourself boosts the mood and reduces anxiety. Personally, there is that excitement in visualizing how I’ll be using my purchases. In doing so it distracts me from everything else that’s been bothering me.

The only problem is when I buy something for myself that is not classified as “essential” is that I end up feeling guilty after. This is especially true if it’s something pricey. I know spending my hard-earned money on something I want should be exciting and not regretful but I can’t help but think how it’s better to go towards something more important. Like I can justify it more if I spend thousands of pesos on my nephews or my family, but never for myself.

I don’t know why the feeling of guilt is very strong. My mom never really cared how we spend our money. Most times she’ll even be the one encouraging us when we ask her if we should go ahead and buy something. Her reason being it’s our money, and we can spend it however way we want. 

But still, I feel uncomfortable spending my own money as if there’s that constant need to explain. And it’s even harder now that we’re in a pandemic when everything, including the security of employment, is uncertain. 

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Do you remember POP Swatch? It’s those funky, oversized watches that were so popular back in the '90s. I never had those when I was young because my parents can’t afford them so when I saw one recently, I want to buy one for myself. Kuya sees nothing wrong with it even if my only reason for buying it is to fulfill a teenage dream.

While I tell myself that my reasons are nobody’s business, there’s still this nagging feeling that people might criticize me on how I spend my money. I don’t want to hear people telling me that a POP Swatch is not a sensible purchase (it costs around PHP 4500) and that I could have either spent it on more important things or save it. 

For this same reason, I never bought myself expensive, signature bags even if I know I can save up for them. It’s not like I have never contemplated getting one, but as soon as I realize that one can cost more than a month of groceries and other important stuff, I’d change my mind. 

Was it because I’ve been in a situation where I was downright broke? Do past experiences of having nothing trigger the guilt? Is money only good when saved for the future?

Spending does get a bad rap. Many will tell you of the importance of investing and saving money and how one should be prepared for emergencies. But I also feel that rewarding oneself for the little, everyday victories is also as important. It’s a way of being kind to ourselves. As long as we are not blowing up our entire savings. 

I wish I could get rid of the guilty feeling and just Carpe 'ing the Diem by going for it.