It's not the money, honey.

Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

Why was my last relationship with B waned before it even took off?

Because Filipino culture is one of the most toxic there is. I don’t know why it’s been like that; was it because we were under the Spaniards for hundreds of years that they have rubbed off some of their captious characteristics on us? Or are Filipinos just backwards when it comes to views?

When some people see a Filipina with a foreigner boyfriend or husband, many automatically assume that the relationship was never for love, but more for convenience. We always hear people joke: “Isang kababayan na naman natin ang naka-ahon sa kahirapan” which for me, while may ring true to some, is not always the case.

There is no denying that many Filipinas marry foreigners for money. That some of them see foreigners as their ticket to get out of poverty. Then again, to automatically think that it’s the ONLY reason why Filipinas go out with foreigners is just unfair. Like, it can never be about mutual attraction, compatibility or intellectual stimulation?

Many think that such interracial relationships benefit the Filipinas more than the foreigner. But what if the Filipina was doing fine even before the foreigner came along? What if she already has a decent-paying job and her own money long before he met the guy? Isn’t it that there is even that possibility that the Pinay earns more than the guy? That there is no need for her to latch onto some AFAM to survive?

Especially in my case, it’s no secret to some people that I came from really humble beginnings. That I grew up struggling and had to work my way to be able to support myself and my family. So, sure, there were some people who gave slighting comments as soon as they learned that I was seeing a foreigner, with a relative even joking: “Ayos `yan, dollars!”. 

Making it worse is the fact that I’m a middle-aged woman past my prime, so some would even add that I must jump at the chance before “the bus leaves” and I find myself in lonely spinsterhood—like I wasn’t there yet (minus the “lonely”).

Some might say that I should ignore the comments and just enjoy it. Anyway, relationships, interracial or not, are tough as they are. But I wish it was that easy. The paranoia is real; I am constantly worried that he will think of it that way too, especially when he sometimes offer financial help when needed, or gift me material things whenever he can. I usually decline, which frustrates him at times, but I just don’t want to be seen (by him or by other people) as taking advantage especially that he earns more than I do.

In all fairness to B, there’s definitely a mutual attraction and I especially enjoy intellectually-stimulating conversations where he learns from me and I learn from him.  I don’t think there was ever a time he thought of himself as a “White savior”. We didn’t meet online (so one can’t say I’m on the lookout for AFAMs) and I never once asked him for money. I even steer clear of sharing problems with him because I don’t want him to think that it was a disguised cry for help. Heck, never did I feign helplessness. 

He’s well aware that this bothers me. But he understands this because he knows first-hand how some Filipinas are viewed by other nationality, especially Westerners like him. B even mentioned one time a colleague joked that he might end up a “passport bro”. He didn’t know what it meant that he had to look it up. 

It’s harder for interracial relationships to work because there will always be cultural stressors that can lead to conflict. It’s generally difficult that even if one tries to not mind people’s opinions about the relationship, it does ruin what could have been a genuinely good thing. The thought will always hover in the heads of other people and that it’s going to be a challenge to simply ignore them. What’s sadder is you can’t help having that fear that your partner, or people close to him, will think that you’re also after something else.

While I’ve said that I stop caring about what people think of me, I feel that I’m getting old having to constantly prove other people wrong.