Crack

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

My anxiety is peeking through the crevices once again. I only had two hours of sleep last night⁠⁠—a tell-tale sign that I’m not okay. 

Prior to this pandemic, I’ve never had a serious bout with anxiety that went on for months. Back then, after wallowing for a few days or weeks at most, I’d usually just pick myself up and move on like nothing happened. 

Right now, times have changed, and “not feeling okay” is something that everyone is feeling—even for people you’ve known all your life to be well-rounded, cheery, and easy-going. In my case, I feel this more often now and it has been going on. I just don’t have the energy to do anything other than the things I had to do out of obligation.  

We're back.

Photo by Alexas_Fotos on Unsplash

And just like that, it’s already the 8th month of the year, with days mostly wasted away because of the pandemic which has been disrupting everyone’s life since March of last year. 

We are once again back to ECQ for two weeks (August 6-20) because of the highly transmittable Delta variant. The government took a while in deciding as they are well-aware of the economic losses that a two-week lockdown can cause. Besides, another lockdown would mean another round of ‘ayuda’ (cash aid) and frankly, I don’t think the government has enough funds for that.

The threat is very much real, that DOH just said yesterday that we are back to “high risk” classification for COVID-19 with all age groups experiencing the increase in cases. Many hospitals are nearing their full capacity.  

Whatever floats your boat

I can never be a bandwagoner. If for anything, I’m quite the opposite of that—almost impervious. I don’t find myself gravitating towards something that is ‘in’ or ‘popular’ just to have that feeling that I’m not missing out on it. You can’t expect me to like something only because everybody else does. I don’t do something primarily because other people are doing it. I’m the kind who leans to my own preference no matter how unpopular or obscure it is.

It’s not me being a curmudgeonly snob, but more like I’m not that easily influenced. If something ever piques my interest, you can be sure that outside factors almost had nothing to do with it. 

Like how I still don’t know anything about K-Pop, or have not watched a single episode of Game of Thrones to this day, or read any book from the Harry Potter series, or the fact that even if a lot of my friends are going “plantita”, I have not caved in. 

Sometimes I wonder that myself: Is there’s something wrong with me? Am I resistant to what’s popular just because I don’t want to be like all the rest? Then I realize it’s all overthinking; it’s not sheer arrogance or not wanting to conform, but more like being aware that it had to do with my own taste and inclination. It’s a matter of self-expression.