My Rest

Headache, neck pains and dizziness are getting to be a recurring thing for me the past few months. I knew, after I have gone through a series of tests and finding that all results are negative, that all these are just probably due to stress. Wednesday last week I suddenly had a bad dizzy spell that I never had before I had to stop work and lie down. The following day, I was down with a really bad headache that Paracetamol or Mefenamic Acid can’t remedy. That ear-splitting headache went on until Friday, but I went on with all my plans that day, including a self-photoshoot in time for my birthday next week.

Last Saturday was our annual wishlist reveal. This is a yearly thing that my close friends and I do right before Christmas for more than a decade now. I was pretty excited about it because we did the past two years online due to the pandemic, which is not quite the same doing it in person. The night before that I was already worried that I might have those bad headaches and nausea which would be so bad of a timing considering we’ll meet at an all-you-can-eat Japanese buffet—Ogetsu Hime, in Megamall.   

That morning, Tin said she won’t be able to make it because she had to rush her daughter Yen to the ER because of severe stomach pain. Sayang—but we totally understand. That leaves me, Tetay (with her daughter and my godchild, Pretzel) and Jen.

I got to Megamall at around 11AM, with Tetay and Pretzel already there waiting for our reservation. Jen followed shortly, just as we’re about to eat. 

Albeit not a big Japanese food fan, with no dexterity to speak of when it comes to using the chopsticks, I enjoyed that lunch buffet with friends. Over sushi, sashimi, Angus beef, tempura, gyoza, and all other Japanese dishes I can’t even pronounce, we didn’t seem to run out of stories to tell. 

We were at Ogetsu until its lunch cut-off at 2:30PM, then transferred to Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to continue our catching up. We sure did a lot of it, as we didn’t realize it’s already almost 8PM the next time we checked the time!

That’s the thing about being with your closest, most trusted friends. You don’t realize the passing of time. You get so comfortable sharing things to them with almost no filter (We had to remind ourselves we’re around a minor, and that’s the only time we’ll stop ourselves from talking about mature topics and rated 18 stuff). I know that whatever it is I share to them, I will not be judged. It was refreshing after months of just getting coffee all by myself and being left alone with my thoughts.

I am very thankful for having low-maintenance friends like the Cuatro Amigas. We all know for a fact that life happens, so there isn’t that expectation to talk to them everyday or see them so many times in a month. We usually get to see each other only during our yearly wishlist reveal, but even that is okay. Nothing changes. We simply pick up where we left off.  

The beauty of it is that I know for a fact that I can count on them. When things are getting hard to bear, especially lately when I was having really stressful moments worrying about my mommy’s condition, I run to them on the group chat and just let it all out. They do the same thing; if they are going through something difficult, they go to the group chat and after unloading our pent-up energies and frustrations, everything feels okay.

I went home that night walking from SM Megamall Atrium to Shaw Boulevard Station of the MRT with its notoriously steep 80+ steps staircase they call "Mount Shaw Boulevard" — and was so recharged I didn’t even bother taking the elevator and went to conquer the infamous stairs instead. I got off Ayala Station, walked my way to the Park Square to the jeepney stop. All while carrying gift boxes and my cavernous tita bag with me.

And that’s when it dawned on me: I wasn’t tired. I didn’t even feel the slightest headache or tensed neck. No weariness. I was actually feeling great even if I was up early that day. Even if commuting to-and-fro Megamall wasn’t easy at all under the unforgiving November 32-degree-Celsius weather, somehow I feel fine. I slept soundly that night.

I realized, my friends are my rest. They recharge me. A day spent with them zapped out months and months of stress, anxiety and exhaustion. It is just what I needed. 

I will always be thankful for having them.

Coffee talk with people who mattered that went from 2:30PM to past-8PM. 

Happy < Sad

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

Last week, we got an e-mail communication from our Chief Commercial & Technology Officer on what the future would be like for our company’s Manila office. What it basically says is that the company is gearing towards a 100% remote work by mid-2023 for Manila-based colleagues, with the exception of Operations, HR, Training and Technology Services. As how I understand it, they are now in the process of finding a new smaller office options near our current office.

For most of the employees who had already embraced working from home in the past years at the onset of the global pandemic, this is the best news. Some of my teammates, the “remote-work advocates”—as BBC calls them, couldn’t even contain their excitement they had to express it in our group chat.

But for me who long for some normalcy, I admit I’m kinda sad. I think I have said many times on this blog that while I cannot deny the ease and many advantages of working from home, I’m still the old-fashioned type who would prefer to work in the office because only then can that boundary of work and life be clearer. Then again, hybrid set-up is no longer a possible option as they are transitioning RCC (Reservations and Customer Care) to work remotely full-time because the limited spaces available will be given to those with roles that require them to be onsite (such as the exceptions I mentioned above).

I realize this sentiment of mine is not popular, but it doesn’t make it an illegitimate concern. While there are more people who are for it, those of us who don’t shouldn’t be marginalized for expressing our preference as well. My kuya feels the same thing; he’s also not very happy with the news. He was looking at his large casual wardrobe the other day and tells me he won’t be using it that much anymore. But it’s not about dressing up to go to work, but the not going to work that makes him sad. 

The very few times I expressed this to people who care enough to listen, many of them must’ve thought I’m crazy that they’re probably questioning my motivations.

Why would I want to go to work?

Call me what you want but there’s something about being in a good light and good environment that drives me to work better compared to this very small space I have near our dining table where my company-issued equipment was set-up. I spend my 7AM to 4PM Monday-to-Friday shift cooped in this general area where I could hear everyone doing their own thing. It’s hard to switch my brain to “work mode” when I’m surrounded by family members.    

I sometimes miss the daily commute, which I always likened to a “daily workout” that keeps my ticker pumping. There’s something about getting up at the early hours of the morning, take a bath, prepare for work, and leave the house that somehow invigorates me. I don’t know why people are finding it hard to believe when I say that minimal social interactions, daily plesantries and spontaneous small talks, even for a self-confessed introvert like me, can help a lot in one’s mental health.       

I hate video call conferences and meetings. Again, for an introvert this should be a preference, but for me it isn’t. It doesn’t feel the same way as seeing those people in person and catching up with them. It is required to turn on the camera during meetings, and I tell you, virtual will never trump reality. Video conferencing freezes most of the time, and videos distort your appearance. When it lags it would conveniently freeze-frame in your most unflattering look and would remain that way in a few seconds. Often it takes away the privacy of my home. Only one person can talk, and discussions are very hard this way. Don’t get me started about the eyestrain by the end of an hour-and-a-half meeting. I blame this for my worsening presbyopia and recurring headaches.

But I guess now that I’m stuck working at home and somehow loathing it, but I have no choice but to accept it. I don’t hate the setup as passionately as I love my job. Yes, I love my job. And I feel very lucky still to have this. I am still very grateful to be a part of this company.

I respect the preference of most people who like to work remotely because I imagine they can better manage things at home and they have their own valid living situations that may be different from mine. As the company has already decided on this, I’m just going to make some adjustments on my end to make this work and to make this less stressful as it already is. I yearn for some normalcy, but people are also telling me that this is the new normal—a big work culture change—so there’s no use fighting it.

Not today, geek.

Many were excited when it was announced a few months ago that Disney+ is coming to the Philippines. It’s the streaming service for all that’s Disney, Pixar, Marvel and Star Wars that could make a geek like me do the happy dance. 

Photo by Marques Kaspbrak on Unsplash

Back then, we can only have Disney+ here in the Philippines if we have a VPN (Virtual Private Network). What it does is that it switches our IP address with one from a location that has Disney+, tricking into thinking we’re located there. So, for that, we needed to get a VPN provider, choose a subscription, and pay for it. At first I was willing to do it, especially when I was in the dark when people online start to talk about the Marvel series such as Loki, WandaVision and Hawkeye, then Lucasfilm’s Obi Wan Kenobi,  but changed my mind afterwards because I just don’t know—or maybe didn’t really bother finding out—how to go about with it.

Kuya, another geek himself, already said to get Disney+ as soon as it is released here in the Philippines, which it did last November 17, and he’d be the one paying (as I’m already the one paying for Netflix). The Premium Plan is available for P369 monthly, or P2,950 annually which isn’t bad at all if you ask me.

Imagine our frustration when we realized that I cannot download it on my Smart TV because the Hisense unit we got doesn’t support the Disney+ app.

To put it simply, Disney+ is not showing up on the app store of my TV that has the VIDAA U Operating System. This is a letdown considering that it’s a newly released model and we thought we’ll not have any of these problems. I guess, my brother and I weren’t familiar on how Smart TV Operating System works, including its limitations, when we got this unit last year.

Sure, I can have it installed on my phone or laptop, but I don’t think it’ll give me the same viewing experience of a 43-inch TV. Besides, with my worsening presbyopia that’s really not the way to go.

In order for us to be able to enjoy Disney+ on our TV, I read that we have to buy an extra accessory that needed to be plugged to the HDMI port like the Amazon Fire stick or a Roku streaming stick. Although I had to be sure before getting one so I’m planning to visit the appliance center where we got the TV last year to check what works. It’s an added accessory, which means it’s an added expense.

I am so jealous of my friends who were already posting on their stories how cool Disney+ is. I can imagine how I’d probably opt to stay at home even on weekends instead of going out once we have it already. The thought that I can binge-watch all the Marvel and Star Wars movies in one streaming service is just mind-blowing. 

But not today, geek. Not today.

Yes, it does.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

I have a controversial opinion I’d like to say here that may raise a few eyebrows.

Whoever believes that “money can’t buy happiness” should take all their money and give it to me. 

You can’t say that to people who are actually struggling and I’m pretty sure whoever it was who said this didn’t have to spend more than half their lives working hard to earn it. It was probably someone who don’t know the word “contentment” in their capacity to make their lives a lot easier compared to most people. They don’t appreciate not having to worry about anything for the lack of it. 

It’s really hypocritical to say that it CAN’T buy happiness because it CAN.

The question is, what makes you happy anyway? If you’re like me who gets happy when I am able to give to my family, then it makes sense to say that money does buy you happiness. If we’d be realistic, the more money you have, the lesser you are weighed down by the stress from paying off bills and everyday expenses. Like how if money wasn’t an issue, you will be able to provide for your family.

At the moment, I got tons of problems that can be solved easily if I have lots of money at my disposal.

I believe that even if you’re around family, loved ones and most cherished friends, but you are besieged by financial difficulties, I don’t think you can truly be happy. Whoever claims that they’re “happy together even if our stomach’s empty” hasn’t been really hungry before. Poverty shouldn’t be romanticized as if it’s more noble to live it, and wanting money doesn’t mean an empty life with lesser purpose. 

And if someone asks me why kids are happy even if they don’t have money, well they don’t have responsibilities that adults have, that’s why.

This doesn’t mean that I will treat money as a god, because that is not what I’m getting at. While money does buy some level of happiness, it isn’t everything. I said it can buy happiness but that is not to discount God, religion or other important things like health, love, friendship, etc. I didn't say that life is nothing but a quest for money.

Money is merely a tool to make your life a lot easier and for some, if not most of us, happier. Don’t shame me for saying something out loud that you probably thought deep inside too. 

A Royal Ride

When I got the new TV last year, that’s the only time I decided to get a Netflix subscription. For the longest time, I was okay just having the regular cable channels such as HBO, FOX and Crime Investigation Network to get me through. Besides, I don’t watch any shows on the local channels except when it’s the local news. 

While everyone else is raving at many Netflix series before, I’m practically clueless I might as well be living under a rock. Even after getting the subscription, I was not one to jump on the bandwagon by bingeing on the shows everyone is talking about. Generally, I have little patience when it comes to watching any TV series as I’m more of a movie fan. I enjoyed Netflix not so much for the series but for rewatching my favorite television sitcoms like Friends and Seinfeld.

In the very few times I did watch the more-talked-about Netflix series, I particularly enjoyed some of it such as Cobra Kai, Squid Game (which was so popular last year) and Stranger Things.  

Right now, it’s The Crown that got me hooked.

To those who knew me well enough, I once-upon-a-time liked anything British (not so much anymore). But I must admit that I know very little about the British monarchy. 

I was never fascinated with the Royals; I grew up reading about them through the National Enquirer and other gossip tabloids sent by relatives from the States inside balikbayan boxes. Often, I only read about their salacious scandals but not of their very colorful history that dates back to Queen Victoria herself.

I took interest only after the death of Queen Elizabeth II last September. I started watching The Crown and then The Royal House of Windsor, which was also on Netflix until it was removed last month. From there I learned about the rich history of the Windsors including some of the more interesting characters like King George V, King George VI, Prince Philip, Princess Margaret, Louis Mountbatten and perhaps the most fascinating of all the Royal family for me at least—Edward VIII (later on known as the Duke of Windsor). 

I find The Crown riveting. Once I started watching the first few episodes, I couldn’t stop. I get excited when I learn new things. And while some of the scenes might be fiction and many were calling it out for some inaccuracies, it didn’t really matter because it was the writer’s creative license that made it brilliant. I was drawn more to it after every episode and it’s  kinda fun to have Wikipedia on standby if I wanted to know more. The production is stunning and the actors and actresses playing the characters did an excellent job. 

Claire Foy playing as the young Queen Elizabeth gave the character depth and complexity. It doesn’t hurt that she’s gorgeous and easy on the eye. I also love that she had such chemistry with Matt Smith, the actor who played the young Prince Philip.

I also didn’t mind much when Olivia Colman stepped in as the middle-aged Queen for the third season. She conveyed the monarch just as how I envisioned her: Regal. Guarded. The episode about the Aberfan disaster where she acted almost stoic and closed-off made me see her as a cold, unsympathetic Queen, but then again one can argue that Brits are known for their emotional reticence as well. Olivia almost showed no emotion the entire time, even when holding her own in her tension-filled scenes with Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher.

***

Season 5 started last November 9 and even if most reviews shortly after its premiere were not very kind, it isn’t as bad. 

The season shows an era of the monarchy in years when I was old enough to remember. 

This season also saw the start of the “issue” that is Princess Diana. The `90s wasn’t a good decade for the monarchy, with 1992 being what Queen Elizabeth II herself described as ‘Annus Horribilis’. This season features the decommissioning of Royal Yacht Britannia, the Camillagate, the controversial Bashir interview, the Windsor Castle fire among many others. An entire episode was also given to introduce Mohamed Al-Fayed and there were a lot of things apart from him being Dodi Al-Fayed’s father which I’ve learned only after watching it.  

I  admit there were moments when the mood is bleak, but I can’t say that there aren’t any scenes that got me invested. For one, the reunion of former lovers Princess Margaret (Lesley Manville) and Peter Townsend (Timothy Dalton) is too painful to watch. After all, it’s no secret that Peter was the love of Margaret’s life. It ultimately led to Margaret confronting the Queen for intervening on their marriage forty years earlier and Manville killed it.

But the highlight of the penultimate season for me is the episode when Princess Diana paid the Queen (now in her sixties and played by Imelda Staunton) a visit to let her know of the Bashir interview. The delivery of the lines was so powerful it almost knock the air off my chest. I am no monarchist, but for a moment I was rooting for the Queen. Loyally. Emphatically. To the hilt.

I’m glad I found that scene on YouTube to share here:

Season 5 ended hinting the beginning of Princess Diana’s affair with an already engaged Dodi: The invitation to St. Tropez. Now, I have read about this very trip in the American tabloids before so I know where this is heading.

And since I know how all this will end eventually, I realize that I’m more drawn to the post-war era of the Queen. I prefer the earlier seasons of The Crown when it’s focused on the young monarch in a period of transition.

The scandals (thanks to Charles, Diana and Camilla) may be appealing to the younger audiences, but I like The Crown showing us the finer years rather than its collapse. Like, I may know who Winston Churchill was, but I never knew him the way he was portrayed in this series. Accurate depiction or not, it’s rather fascinating.

Which is why I’d find myself rewatching the earlier seasons after finishing the 5th. 

Six-Year Stand

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

It’s one thing when a man says he loves you many times, but nothing says it best when the man chooses you. They can say they have strong feelings for you, care about you deeply, but if he doesn’t seem to potentially see a future with you, then why stay?

Some relationships are too complicated, but one must simply uncomplicate it as it is the only way for it to work. If no effort was done in the best years to bring the relationship to the next level—when emotions are high and love is at its greatest—how can one expect it will ever happen in the future? Evading the topic and praying for things to get better can only go so far. Giving justification as to why he can’t be with you is a great disservice to yourself. He will never be ready for a mature relationship that requires responsibilities.

Before you know it, you already spent years waiting for him to step up. And the painful thing is finally waking up one day to that realization that you waited for nothing because he will never choose you. He doesn’t love you that much to commit. 

And then you can only regret the years that you wasted. Years that you could have used to explore other possibilities, experience other things, focus on other people.    

Good cheer

Photo by Mourad Saadi on Unsplash

I haven’t been feeling the cheery atmosphere of my favorite season not when I’ve been stressed most of the year. The latest one is that mom’s having some health issues again and just went through a skin biopsy and other tests. We are still awaiting the results and I pray all’s good though.    

Weekends are not giving me as much rest as I would hope. I usually do the laundry early in the morning on Saturdays and then just stay home for the rest of the day because it’s my way of “recuperating” after a whole week of work at home (which, again, is sometimes more stressful than actually coming to the office). Sundays I go to church and fritter away the day in the mall or coffee place and even that, hours seem so brief for me to do anything worth my while.

A day is too short to relax and unwind when you think about it. It doesn’t help when you think that you must get up early to work five times a week. So, really, weekends are an afterthought.

Then again, I still look forward to the good things for the coming weeks, as that’s how I’ve always been. Despite my share of rough patches, life can’t always be that bad, right?

It won’t be my favorite time of the year if my cheer had nothing to do with this happy season. In a few more days I’ll get that 13^th month pay and will be able to pay off most of the bills that had been giving me an epic hard time the past few months. 

Also, in less than a month it’ll be my big 46^th (if you know me, I love celebrating my own birthday) and I have already filed a leave and won’t be in the office from December 2-11 because I want to spend that week with family and friends. Hopefully I’ll get the much-needed de-stressing. 

Better days ahead, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for that.

Dynamics

Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash

This had been sitting on my drafts for quite sometime now and I’ve been holding off posting this on my blog. See, if I could avoid it, I don’t like to embroil myself again over things that I write and post online. 

But I had to say this piece. I’m tired of trying not to offend the same people who had no qualms about offending me.

***

Sometimes blood relatives can be the most critical and toxic people you’ll ever meet. Over the years, I’ve learned to deal with them by not dealing with them. Never mind if some see me as aloof and a stuck-up, as I stopped caring on how I am perceived by other people anyway—relatives included. I figured, no matter what I do, if I’m not liked then I will never be liked. 

My attitude towards such people is more for self-preservation. I thought, if I’m more effacing, then they won’t bother me. The less they know about what’s happening to me, the lesser they have saying something about it.

As I’ve said in this post, we grew up in the disadvantaged side of the family. Most of our relatives may not be rich but they had it better. And whether they admit or not, some of them (not all) made clear of that gap as we were treated differently when we were kids. We seemingly belong, yet not the same way as the others in the family. Sometimes when my brothers and I would look back, we are reminded of the unfair treatment we experienced from some uncles, aunts and older cousins. Some of which, they might not realize, were very hurtful. 

But I guess we just accepted such family dynamics as they were. We were taught to respect the elders, no matter what. My father did little to stand his ground and speak up for us, as he’s not really confrontational. Perhaps he placed higher values on peace and harmony than resorting to conflict, or maybe he’s just afraid to burn bridges especially that we live with our relatives. And as the wise quote goes, you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. 

And for this reason as we got older, we tried very hard to get out from that so we will not be at the mercy of our relatives. Slowly, we managed to make things better somewhat, able to afford a few things. While we aren’t still considered “moneyed” or financially successful, at least we come a long way from how we were. 

Most of the older relatives had passed on, including my dad, and all that remains are my older cousins so we vowed that we are not going to be pushed around anymore. Mistreatment, especially with my nephews, will not be tolerated. I actually hoped that since we’re already the next generation, that we should put a stop on the toxic approach of our elders but it’s funny how some of my older cousins still follow the same pattern. 

This is why we tell the kids to always be in their best behavior. Some relatives can go that low that they’ll even involve or criticize the innocent kids when they have issues with the kids’ parents. Even at a young age, we educate them by teaching them what is acceptable and what is not so they wouldn’t have to put up with it like we did. We tell them the importance of self-worth and standing up for oneself. We tell them that there will be times they might feel excluded or they may hear upsetting words about them and that’s okay because we are here for them.

When playing with their cousins, for example, I always tell them not to touch their toys and stuff unless it was lent to them. Some parents are so particular with this. My nephews were taught to share what they have so it pains me when they aren’t treated the same. My kuya, in particular, can be quite vengeful when this happens and ends up buying nice things for the boys, so they won’t be left out. “Ginawa na sa atin, gagawin pa sa mga pamangkin ko?” (They did it to us, they’ll do it to my nephews too?)    

***

Nothing irks me more than those relatives who’d see the faults of others, but not the ugly and unpleasant things happening in their own “yard”. There’s this one who thinks everything about their family is peachy keen, so they thought they have all the right to criticize others. What they don’t know is word gets around and “the tea” also reaches us, so we know basically what’s been going on with them, and it’s also not pretty. The only difference is that I was never the type to talk about other people. When a rumor/news reaches me for example, I don’t ask for further details. I just don’t. I’m always told I’m no fun because I hardly react or comment when a gossip is passed to me. Whenever I hear rumors within family, I usually ignore them. My take on it was, I don’t care how others live their lives when I have mine to worry about. I’m also counting on the fact that since I’m not nosy or prying, then they will give me the same courtesy. 

But that’s not the case. Some of them still can’t stop themselves from sticking their noses into our personal affairs. It ticks me off when I hear them talking about my family, or even about another relative. When you hear how they talk about others, you’d think they have the most perfect family. They love to spotlight the faults of someone while praising a family member in contrast. 

Ang sarap sabihin, O eh di ikaw na! 

They will pit their children against other relatives, as if there’s a contest to begin with: Who has the better job, who has been to more countries, who has cuter kids, who has more money, etc. And make it seem that they’ll always win in this imagined competition. What they don’t realize is that this can cause resentment between the people being compared, even if they don’t have any issues with each other to begin with.    

How was it that they have a lot of things to say when they’re not even involved? Why would their opinion matter if they’re only looking at one side of the story? 

The irony is that people who like to meddle in other people’s affairs don’t like it when someone meddles in theirs. 

***

Another thing that gets under my skin are the off-handed, condescending comments. I have this aunt who I don’t see very often who’d greet me with, “Huy, panay ang check-in niyo sa hotel ha!” (Wow, you always stay at hotels huh?) or “panay ang kain niyo sa labas ha!” (You always eat/dine out huh?) — like their family doesn’t do it too. And before you argue that it might be an innocuous comment, trust me it isn’t. She’s really hinting at something and does this every single chance she gets. I mean, so what if we do? Even that is an issue to them now?

Jeez, we’re not even bragging, because there’s really nothing to brag about having simple staycations or eating out. The very few times I post about our small family events, we’d get such patronizing comments as if they’re saying, wow, you can afford such things already? — and that can lead to remembering old pains and memories of the time when we don’t have much. 

***

It is so frustrating because who doesn’t want to just get along with everybody? But some of my relatives are making it hard that sometimes you’d rather not exchange pleasantries when you’ll still hear nasty things said about you or other people afterwards. 

And they wonder now why I’m somewhat distant. Suplada daw ako. Hindi makabati. Being distant is my protective bubble. They villainize me yet they didn’t realize it was how they were to me that made me like this. What’s the point of fighting preconceived notions about me? 

They say you can’t choose family, but you can choose how you let them treat you. It is maturity to steer clear from the toxic relatives. I don’t have to attend every single gathering, or interact with some of them. I don’t have to get along with people I share the same bloodline and last name if they don’t respect me enough not to say bad things about me or my family behind my back. I don’t have to tolerate people who judge my choices and decisions. I refuse to be manipulated and controlled by the elders as if they’re always right. 

And if this is how I am only because I’m trying to avoid stress, conflict and misunderstanding, I know that can’t be wrong.

Winning the Closet War

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

My mommy had this closet upstairs that daddy had made when we had the third floor constructed back in 1997. It is big enough to keep our clothes and other stuff. 

In the past few years, mom hasn’t opened or cleaned it; she knows tackling it can be overwhelming and it isn’t something she can do alone. Most of the things she kept there hasn’t been used in years and is practically garbage (after all, she has a separate closet and drawer for the clothes and stuff she actually use). But even if we tell her to get rid of some of the stuff in there, mom would go on a tirade and wouldn’t let us touch it. She’ll even blame me as to why she’s unable to organize it as much as she wanted to, saying my bed was blocking it.

In the past few months, we noticed a strong, musty smell coming from inside the closet. We would also see cockroach eggs and mouse droppings falling in very rare times we open it. We have called the attention of our mom many times, but she kept saying she’ll take care of it one of these days, which of course she never did. 

The next time my older brother opened it to check one of his suit jackets, he was shocked to see that the clothes has become a nesting and feeding area for cockroaches. No wonder I would sometimes have the worst allergy attacks even if I keep my area clean from dirt and dust.

But mom doesn’t seem to be alarmed about the obvious infestation. She told us to leave it to her and that one of these days she’ll fix it. That is, despite us telling her that the closet is beyond organizing and fixing because the mere inhalation of the acrid odor could be potentially harmful. We told her that it wouldn’t be safe for her and the kids. 

The pleas fell on deaf ears; all she’d say when we tell her that was: “Huwag niyong pakelaman `yan, aayusin ko yan!” (Leave it alone, I will handle it.) God knows we love our mom to death, but we are so close to wringing her neck sometimes. I don’t think her refusal to act on it is because she’s oblivious about the dangers her hoards present to herself and to other people living with her, but maybe it’s more of asserting her control in the household. 

Yes, my mom has hoarding tendencies but to be fair, mom can rival Marie Kondo in her younger years. She was a fantastic organizer, and we are in awe how she can fit a lot of things neatly in one spot. We grew up in a small but clean house. But as she got older, her hoarding progresses. She found it difficult to get rid of things and always had that need to save them. What was once a tidy house is now filled with her clutter. Every nook and cranny, trust that there’s mom’s stuff sitting there. Her refusal to part with a lot of items has become the common cause of our arguments and shouting matches with her.

My kuya and I would buy nice containers so we can throw away the unsightly empty bottles and plastic containers only to find it stacked inside cabinets. Mom’s one who would inspect our garbage to make sure we aren’t tossing anything there that she can still use. Last year, my kuya spent a fortune renovating the kitchen and it irks him now to see old pots and pans and containers taking so much space inside cabinets and on top of the counter.  

This old plastic catsup bottle, for example, I have thrown this very bottle twice but my mom would get it from the garbage. What it’s being used for exactly, we don’t know, but it’s been sitting on the sink.

Meanwhile, my nephews sleep with me upstairs in cushions on the floor. And because they’re getting bigger by the day, I thought it would be better to convert mom’s big closet to a spot where we can put a double deck bed for the kids. I told kuya about this and he liked the idea because at least the spot can be used and maximized instead of making it a breeding ground for pests. 

Convincing mommy was another story. “Saan ko ilalagay yung mga gamit ko?” (Where will I put my stuff?). We told her that the old clothes, curtains, pillowcases, etc. are beyond saving anyway. We cannot just dump it in a washer when there’s that risk of getting hantavirus and other pulmonary diseases. I would even forward her videos of the dangers of roach and mouse infestations just to prove it isn’t something we’re making up. But no, for the longest time, she stood her ground. 

Then one morning, finally, I was told that mommy agreed to take down the closet. I still don’t know how they talked her into it but kuya wasted no time and contacted someone to take it down before Mother Goose changes her mind. It was quite a shock seeing the actual state of the closet as soon as we took out everything. Apart from the roach and mouse infestation, we realized that the musty smell was coming from the damp clothes due to a hole in the ceiling where rainwater had been leaking. A lot of our stuff had disintegrated from the humidity. We showed this to my mom who then said we could still give it to people who might still have use for it. Mommy thought there’s nothing that a good laundry detergent and bleach can’t fix. Of course, we said that it’s not safe to give away roach-infested, mouse-peed clothes and so another round of argument ensued which ultimately end up with her giving all of us the silent treatment. 

Most of my old stuff toys have also been damaged so I have no choice but to throw it away too, save for a few that were kept in vacuum-tight plastic. My brothers also had to throw away most of their clothes kept inside to show mom that we all have our own sacrifices to make. I also tossed away books, photo albums, bags and other things that I had forgotten I owned. My ruthlessness to declutter won against any silly sentimentality. I thought, if my stuff has been kept inside for that long, then that only means I no longer have any use for it.

My mother has amassed incredible amount of garbage over the years. We can’t fathom her need to keep outdated, stained, and faded curtains. When we asked her why she’d kept it, she said she will still use it even if all our windows now have Korean blinds installed. Daddy had been dead for four years and yet most of his clothes are still stored somewhere. We also can’t understand why she kept all those oversized, out-of-fad jackets and winter coats that were sent by relatives in balikbayan boxes, only to say that we might still use it someday (never mind if we end up looking like MC Hammer). My mom has also kept those imported, hotel-quality, Cannon™ towels that she could have given us to use and now she insists we keep it when it’s already reeking of mold and mildew. As expected, another fight followed as we are all adamant in telling her we don’t want any of her hand-me-downs. 

By the end of the day, we have accumulated enough trash outside that a garbage truck had to be called as garbage collectors in carts can’t bring everything. The guy who took down the closet agreed it was such a waste of space when about 80% of it are stuff that we cannot salvage anymore.  

When the spot was cleared, my mom wasn’t at all amused. If for anything, she felt attacked and violated. What she doesn’t realize is that we always think of how she would feel and hurting her feelings is the last thing we want to do. If we were that inconsiderate as she thought, we could have easily thrown away a lot of her things—knowing that she doesn’t remember owning most of it anyway, but still we can’t bear doing that to her. We still ask her permission before getting rid of anything.

I believe that clutter can trigger anxiety and with all the other things (and people!) that stress me out these days, it is the easiest to remedy. All we need is that vehemence in letting go of things and the memories that come with it. The past couple of years I’ve been levelheaded in dealing with my own clutter. I throw/give away things that I no longer use without putting much thought to it. I can’t let it choke the very little space I have at home.

As the silent treatment from mom continues, so was the plan to convert the spot. The next day, kuya was in a frenzy mode and bought the kids the double deck frame and mattresses. He’s worried that mom would do a 180° and say that she wants a closet made on the same spot. If the frame and mattresses are already there, then she won’t have any choice anymore. 

In just two days the ceiling, walls and the flooring was complete. This is the only time mom somewhat softened her stance, when she saw that the kids are enjoying their new spot upstairs. The loving heart of the lola for her apos prevailed.   

Now I have my nephews as my roomies. The boys can be another level of stress, no doubt, but I’d take that rather than sharing a space with a dirty closet that reminds me of that garbage compactor on the first Death Star in Star Wars: A New Hope.

I did not make this post to embarrass my mom, but only to point out that while we understand why elderly people tend to hold on to their possessions, we also have to intervene if this could already affect other people. God knows we just want to have a clean space not just for us, but more importantly, for her and for the kids. 

We can’t even win against mom on so many things being that she’s still and will always be the undisputed queen of the house. But this time we did, and it was sweet.